(Wo)Man, it's a crime that I don't review more Jackie Chan movies for this site. Fuck James Brown (well, if you're a necromantik), Jackie Chan is hands down
the hardest working man in show business and I defy anybody to tell me otherwise. Sure, Tony Jaa may be the new thriller as far as "guys who kick the crap out of people", but Jackie Chan can do one thing that Tony Jaa can't: act... and write... and direct. Okay, so there's three things he can do better than Tony Toni Tone Jaa. I don't care if the Chan man
is 53 years, cuz age doesn’t mean a damn thing to this man! The guy's a genius of (pardon the cliché) eye-popping stunts and he's the most amazing purveyor of slapstick comedy since Curly, Larry and Moe... and to a lesser extent, Shemp. As such, I have no idea why more of his movies don't make it on here. Maybe it's because everybody thinks that his movies are all the same weak plotlines with slightly different scenes of Chan jumping over, around and through various props and home appliances? That would explain why I'm only doing a Shortie review rather than a full review... Meh, I don't care, I'm reviewing this movie, damn it!
This time around, the Chanmeister plays Thongs (whose original name was Fong Ka Ho, but that probably sounded too much like "Funky 'ho" to keep it from being changed in the English version). Thongs is a gambling addict with sticky fingers who we first meet thieving from a hospital with his partner Octopus (the cool Louis "Zu Warriors" Koo); a womanizing Rico Suave type who plans to retire into the good life by finding a rich woman to woo. Wacky hi-jinks ensue of course, when they're found out by security and now try to figure out a way to escape with their loot intact. In the same hospital, a wealthy woman named Mani gives birth to a baby boy, but is kidnapped by her crazy stalker ex-boyfriend Max, whom she apparently promised to go with to Alaska so they could get married... no doubt back when he was just "boyfriend" and hadn't yet earned the "crazy stalker ex" part. Security corners the nut and in ensuing struggle he falls over a railing and to his very broken death. Thong of course snatches the newborn from the Reaper's salivating maw in his escape, and while everyone else is so concerned with making sure the brat's okay, he and the Octorok make good their evasion.
After this we run through several more heists with our dynamic duo and follow them as they blow their respective paydays, ‘Ongs of course losing all of his dough ray me on horse races and card games while Octopus invests his cash in wooing the daughter of one of Asia's richest tycoons... while his wife Ivy busts her ass dressing in ridiculous costumes and handing out fliers on the street... that's right, his wife... who he wants to divorce... but can't because she's apparently pregnant... because Ock got drunk one night and forget to vacuum seal his cocktail wienie... and now he wants her to get an abortion. She's the cutest little thing too, especially when she's decked out in her chicken costume. Meanwhile, Thong's family becomes the target of harassment when our hero defaults on a rather large loan. I'm not talking irritating calls by bankers during dinner time either, I'm talking street thugs and greasy hoodlums with bad intentions. Turns out Thongs and his family aren't on the best of terms either, since his mom and pop spent every penny they had to put him through expensive schools only so he would drop out and leave them penniless, 10 people living in one small tenement house. Now he not only needs to pay off his debts to save his neck, but redeem himself in his family's eyes by making something of himself and repaying them for his being such a failure... but that's what the always convenient "one last big score" plot device is for!
Again, I realize that we've seen this all a thousand times before, but never with Jackie's crazy choreography! Well, except for the last 40 or 50 Jackie Chan movies we've seen... Anyway, as you probably figured out, this big score involves He-Who-Is-Named-For-Sexy-Lady-Panties, Ock and their boss Landlord (whose retirement money was ironically burgled from him, possibly by Ock or Thongs) kidnapping a familiar looking baby from some familiar looking rich people. Not a ransom job so much as a paid abduction, the someone claiming to be the brat's grandpa (and who owns his own Ferris Wheel and roller coaster!) wants the ankle biter for himself and will pay our trio 7 large to do the job. It's Three Men and a Baby Meets Rumble In the Bronx! ... or something. An unexpected traffic incident lands Landlord in jail for a few days, so now F & O are in the babysitting business and need to keep the kid safe (and entertained) until their boss can get our of the pen... much strangeness ensues, including one very uncomfortable moment of interaction between the kid and Jackie Chan's nipple... There's something I didn't need to see.
Thongs and Octopus apparently took all their child care lessons from Brittney Spears, as they carry the kid around zipped up in a duffle bag, try to quiet him down by nearly suffocating him with pillows, shut him in a washing machine, drop and toss him any number of times, getting into fights while holding the kid, almost get him crushed in a car wreck, come close to killing the kid on a number of amusement park rides, let him be locked in a giant freezer, and follow it up with WAY too much shitty diaper humor. While taking classes to learn how to care for the brat, Mr. T falls in love with the instructor Melody and gives up gambling so as not to be a bad influence on the kid, while Octopus changes his mind about Ivy getting an abortion. Aw, how sweet, a lot of crying, feces, and being woken up at all hours of the night has made them into good guys...
Despite the sickly sweet crap (including one genuine "almost made me cry like a bitch" scene between Thongy's enfeebled dad and the adorable rugrat) and the unfunny American style "baby's first fart jokes" humor, I gotta admit, the baby's cute as a button (though I never really understood why buttons were considered "cute") and Ivy's so damn adorable she's impossible to resist, no matter kind of wacky theme costume she's wearing. Besides, the action sequences are a shitload (no poopy diaper pun intended) of fun, just as you'd expect from the Chan monster. An excellent car chase/wreck scene, some sliding door apartment acrobatics, the always awesome "fist fight ballets" with Jackie's many talented protégés, a tag team tussle in a Cryogenics lab, and a posse of pursuers on Segway scooters provide plenty of action and slapsticky goodness to make it a worthwhile viewing... ewww, come to think of it, "slapsticky" just sounds wrong... THIS REVIEW IS OVER!
Moral of the Story: All the average super burglar needs to melt his heart and make him go straight is a few days with a baby and he'll immediately clean up his act.
