If you ask most fan-boys (and fan-girls) what the best part of
Fantastic Four was, surprisingly enough it
won’t be seeing Jessica Alba in a skin tight bodysuit. No, the general consensus behind
FF is that Chris Evans took the fuckin’ cake as Johnny Storm. He didn’t just
take it, he baked that shit himself (from scratch!), blew out all the candles, offered a slice to everybody else, then took what was left home with him to have sex with later. Never accept a cruller from this man’s kitchen, because he has an unhealthy love for his baked goods and that ain’t Boston Crème… unless of course he’s from Massachusetts. Anyway, the Human Torch himself is back and it looks like he’s trying to type-cast himself as a go-to-guy for dreamy superhuman action hero roles.
When Nick (Evans) was a kid, he went through what far too many kids have to go through: losing his father. Unlike most kids though, Nick’s dad didn’t go out for a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon one night and never come back. No, he was killed by a top secret government agency called “The Division”. Shit, with all the top secret government agencies the taxpayers are funding in these movies, it’s no wonder that the national debt’s doing headstands in raw sewage! As for this particular group, they’re actually established throughout the governments of the world, and are responsible for hunting down and kidnapping people with psychic powers in an effort to turn them into super soldiers. The psychics are categorized by the type of abilities they wield: Watchers can see the future, Movers can move shit with their minds (i.e. telekinesis), Pushers have the Jedi Mind Trick, etcetera. Because all modern day abuses of power have to stem from Nazi Germany, the Division’s an off-shoot of one of those wacky affronts to Mother Nature that the Axis were always playing with back in the ‘40s. With all the experimentation with black magic and genetic super-monsters and alien technology from downed UFOs, it’s a wonder that Hitler and friends ever had time to do any actual war mongering!
After decades of trying to turn these mental freaks into rejects from the comic books using a power juicing procedure that flatlined every test subject prior, the Division finally gets one guinea pig that actually survives… and immediately makes her escape from the compound she’s being held at. What kind of wonky super charged psychic powers did she wind up with? She’s a Pusher. That’s right, now she’s out where she could make everybody think they left the house without putting on pants! What’s this have to do with Nick, now 10 years removed from his daddy’s demise at the Division’s hands? Well, if you couldn’t figure out that our hero’s got powers too, then I guess it’s my fault for thinking we catered to a more common sense fan base… So, yeah, Nick’s a Mover. He’s apparently a shaker too, as he’s been on the run the last decade of his life, globe hopping to keep out of the Division’s reach and hustling Hong Kong street gamblers to fund his life in hiding. Unfortunately, every time he uses his power it’s like throwing up a huge neon “HERE I AM! COME GET ME!” sign for the Division’s goons and such is the case when we catch up to him. I threw up a neon sign once. It was the morning after I grew 2000ft tall and went daikaiju on downtown Reno. Kids, never drink Top Pop Blue Pop that’s passed its expiration date. That shit’s like Red Kryptonite!
As it turns out, these gents from the US Division department don’t want to bring Nick in just yet. They’re more interested in leaving him out in case he should come in contact with their escapee. Speaking of contact (all jokes about Jodie Foster’s dead dad not withstanding), Nick’s also tracked down by a teenage Watcher named Cassie (Dakota Fanning) who’s independent of the Division’s influence and is what music execs like to tout as “hot white jailbait ass”. She kinda reminds me of my friend Pixie when she was 16, only with clairvoyance and annoying pink streaks in her hair. Cass says she sees 6 million dollars in their joint future so long as Nick comes along with her. 6 million bucks that could go a long way in paying off the Hong Kong gangsters to which our protagonist owes a fuck ton of pesos, or whatever they exchange for goods and services over there. Of course nothing’s ever easy and naturally this all has something to do with our super charged lab rat, who it turns out the Chinese branch of Division is interested in themselves... Do you smell a super-powered conflict of interests in the near future, or did I just forget to put on my Speed Stick today?
One part Firestarter, one part Scanners, one part Jumper, if nothing else (and it's really not) Push is an ambitious attempt at creating the foundation for a potential sci-fi franchise. You’d almost think it was based on a long running series like X-Men though, what with its brief appearances by certain characters that feel more like they’re fanboy service for an audience that doesn’t exist yet rather than integral members of the cast. The story’s your basic “rogue heroes on the run from the establishment” tale, and the characters are far from breaking any molds with their “street smart twenty-something hero-to-be and plucky wise-ass teen sidekick vs. sinister femme fatale and seemingly invincible bad guy” generalizations, but there’s still some popcorn action fun to be had (and you can’t help but laugh at the “flying guns restaurant shoot-out” scene), plus we’re introduced to the sci-fi rainbow of this world’s different psychic talents. From healers to psychics who can mask people from other psychics to people who “read” objects by smelling them to guys whose screams make fish and doorknobs explode, it’s like being reintroduced to Marvel’s mutant population all over again. Things get a little interesting after the first 70 minutes or so as things start coming together, but keep in mind that this is a movie about people with crazy mental powers and there’s a lot of mind games and plot twists thrown in to fuck with us.
Despite all this, don't forget that it's still not a good movie. Sadly, with any modern day action flick, fight scenes are shot in the always nauseating “shaky cam”, covering up lazy fight choreography with even lazier filming techniques. Chris Evans makes me believe that he’s really better off sticking to the Johnny Storm type roles and not so much the Nick Gant roles. Even with all the crazy super powers in the world, a crappy cardboard cut-out character still gets soggy and melts into a big balls of crap when you throw water onto it... you know, because it's made of cardboard... and cardboard doesn't fare well against water...
Come to think of it, nobody in the cast really seemed like they were putting a lot of effort into their roles. They all just come off so empty, like robots reading lines. Even bad actors at least over act. The guys and gals here put forward even less enthusiasm than a cast of dinner theater rejects would have. Even legitimate actor Djimon Honsou (whose legitimacy continues to roll screaming at lightspeed down a steep incline after career bathroom breaks like Eragon and Never Back Down) as Division Pusher Carver feels like the man's just there paying his rent. The only one who seemed to be getting into her part was Fanning, but only because she seems to like the "challenge" of playing roles that most actresses her age would shy away from... or at least have parents who act like parents and don't want their kids sexualized in any way in movies that are (or at least are intended to be) seen by millions of people. In Push, little Dakota goes a little too far as she gets drunk in one scene (supposedly alcohol helps her focus her psychic powers) and passes out in a Barcalounger with her legs splayed... while wearing a skirt... Granted, it's not as unsettling as that movie she did where her character's a child molestation victim, but it's still a creepy piece of would-be controversy if anyone actually gave a crap about seeing the movie... which they didn't... and with good reason. Then again, scenes of passed out drunk 13 year-old girls doing their best PG impression of Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct always bring money in from the much coveted "guys who sit in their '89 Chevy Celebrities beating off into Dunkin' Donuts napkins outside of Junior High Schools when class lets out" demographic. Then again, those guys usually spend all their money on Skoal, baby oil, and fresh packs of tube socks to replace the pairs they stain with their "protein rain", so the movie still flopped.
Moral of the Story: It's hard to offend people when they're too busy laughing at your "flying" guns on wires to care. Seriously, was this movie marketed toward 3rd graders?!
