When Tim Mason's wife died at the impotent hands of science, he decided that there was more to this world than Horatio dared dream of in his philosophies... or whatever the Hell it was Hamlet was emo-ing on about in his stupid tights and puffy shorts. Anyway, when Mason's daughter finds herself in a similarly incurable situation, Timmy Boy brings her to a local faith healer named Boyle, better known as The Feverman. Supposedly Mr. Boyle (interesting that a man who specializes in infections is named "Boyle") uses mystical crystals to "draw" the illness out of people and fix whatever it is that medical science can't seem to figure out. Only when Tim pulls out a wad of cash, his gold wedding ring, and his solid silver crucifix will this so-called soul
stealer healer remedy little, uhm, "Girl" Mason, not exactly giving me much in the way of confidence that the disheveled drunk is more than a snake oil salesman... provided he can keep from drinking down his inventory before he gets it to market...
Tagging along with the Masons is their family physician Dr. James Burke, who insists that if there is any chance of keeping "Girl" out of the Undertaker's clammy grasp it lies in a clinic and not in an alcoholic's basement that looks like something out of The Shunned House. But, according to the Feverman (and his heavily soiled undershirt), the sickness in the littlest Mason (whom he has strapped to a table so he can lurch over her...) is "a great stinking grandmother of an infection". He ain't kiddin' either, because when Burke breaks into the basement to interrupt Captain Fever's "treatment", they find Boyle in a wrestling match with a great stinking grandmother of a monster! The beastie looks like a Dr. Moreau style mish-mash of a hog, a pile of ABC gum, a bucket of sauna run-off from "The Biggest Loser", and the fat guy from Borat and should be shown to childhood obesity kids as what the future holds for them if they don't start eating some fucking vegetables!
Like the interference of a pro-wrestling valet, Burke and Mason's distraction costs Boyle his Heavyweight title shot and the boozer gets his back cracked before the creature claims its victory and jumps back into the kid's body. Because it was his actions that doomed the alky, Burke now has to don the Feverman's crystal and finish what Boyle started. Calling the greasy, man-boobed behemoth back out of the little lady's body (I'm more than a little disturbed to think of where it is that big slab of bacon fat is exiting from...), it's up to Burke to lay the smackdown on Hoggy's glistening ass meat and save his friend's only child. I imagine it's gotta be similar to getting into a bar fight with the world's biggest brick of Spam.
Dr. Burke of course now must suffer the "ironic ending" of all horror anthology characters, as he's stuck taking Boyle's place as the new Feverman. Though you'd think it'd be simple enough to just ignore the plights of humanity and not have to sumo wrestle with the embodiments of incurable diseases, it turns out that the crystal will gradually cause Burke to "fade out" is he doesn't use it from time to time. Oh well, at least now he has a freaky old crone to bring him tea and gum his knob when he needs it...
Though I wasn't thrilled with the way things started off in this premiere episode, I felt much better about it once the big sloppy fever creature made it on screen! The episode makes good use of its limited budget (remember, this isn't HBO money after all), keeping everything between two sets: the main part of the Feverman's house and his moldy basement that's almost as gut churning to look at as the big fat piggly-wiggly thing. Putting Mike Gornick (who people will remember for a handful of "Tales From the Darkside" episodes and Creepshow 2) in the directing chair and bringing in the mighty Dick Smith (sounds like a guy who just forges dildos all day) as the FX make-up consultant also really helped make the Neal "Hellraiser: Deader" Stevens script into something memorable. When you consider that the FX guy from The Exorcist, Altered States and Scanners was on board, it's not really so surprising that the hog man fever thing turned out so creepy looking. I now know what it must've been like to see Yokozuna naked... and I wish I had that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind do-hickey to erase that thought just now... uggh.
Moral of the Story: There are more things in Heaven and Earth... you know, that thing I was trying to say earlier.
