Bruce Campbell: cult movie star, envy to geeks everywhere, and former star of the "
Adventures of Brisco County Junior". I've been a fan of Bruce, like pretty much all of his fans, when I first saw
The Evil Dead at the age of 15. But it wasn't his sheepish, decidedly "un-hero hero" role that made Mr. Campbell the idol of
millions thousands, it was his later turn as a snarky, over confident a-hole in
Evil Dead 2 and
Army of Darkness that made people take notice. As such, the majority of Bruce's roles have gone with that concept of the take charge, doesn't always know what he's doing but he's still damn sure that he's right, "jerk-off with a heart of gold" character. And here we have a TV series, produced by Evil Deadians Rob Tapert and Sam Raimi, centered around that very idea, as Bruce became Jack Stiles, better known by his dashing dual identity as the 19th century swashbuckler; the Daring Dragoon. And no, he didn't transform into a dragon to fight the dark forces of the nether realm or any of that silly D&D shit. The name had something to do with a type of gun, or that he rode on horseback, or something. I don't know,
Wiki it.
In this premiere episode (which introduced us to one extremely painful opening theme), we meet Jack as he rescues Thomas Jefferson's niece from a cadre of Napoleon's assassins. They had snatched the lady and taken her to Canada, with the intention of wrapping her head in a Union Jack and sending it back to the then president, thus igniting a new conflict between the US and the UK and making things easier for General Short Stack and his dreams of global domination. Our hero prevents said beheading though, crashing through a door with what is now the coolest action hero one-liner ever: "I would've knocked, but my fist had other plans". Brilliant. Jack then proceeds to pummel the frogs (and their outrageous French accents) heartily, accompanied by really cheap keyboard music, or whatever the fuck it is the show's $5 sound budget could afford. Who do I look like, Tadao Kashio?! When the two are cornered atop the Frenchies' castle hideout (who uses a castle for a hideout?!), they distract the oncoming wave of guards by singing the French national anthem, to which the guards all must immediately stop what they're doing and start singing along with. Properly distracted, Jack pulls Miss Jefferson off of the castle roof, and the two use her dress as a parachute so as to land safely on the ground. I repeat: Brilliant.
While shaking up with the little miss, her uncle comes knocking on his door, to which Jack responds, "Beat it turkey, I'm in the middle of some thanks givin'." before he realizes he just told the President to fuck off. Did I say "Brilliant"? Because I meant to say BRILLIANT! After hiding the skirt under his bed, Jack chats with ol' Tommy J and learns that he's being assigned to an undercover mission on the small East Indies island of Palau-Palau. Seems Napoleon has sent one of his governors to the island with the intention of colonization. In PP Jack meets his new partner, Emilia Rothschild. Emilia is of course the stern, by-the-books British woman foil to Jack's laidback American goofball persona, so be prepared for wacky character clashes on the menu for the rest of the series. You know, like Sam and Diane/Rebecca on "Cheers" or Hawkeye and Hot Lips on "M*A*S*H"! Oh those wacky surgeons and their decrepit Korean war mobile hospital...
Emilia's not just a pretty face (and a steel trap snatch), she's also a mad scientist of sorts (though she prefers the term "slightly irritated scientist") who has all kinds of wacky, elaborate inventions... like hologram fireplaces. Emilia's also crazy hot and there's nothing like hearing her say "the sensation of my tongue exploring your forbidden nether regions" in her sexy version of a British accent... *shiver*... Anyway, the duo's first job is to get their hands on some attack orders that the French governor, Napoleon's brother Croque, supposedly has lying around his digs. All Jack finds are some nudie playing cards, but his "loitering" in the gov's quarters gets him into a tight spot. His "American ingenuity" leads him to create an impromptu disguise (out of Emilia's knickers) and proclaim himself the local legendary hero: the Daring Dragoon. I just wonder if he intends to continue wearing such a "less than fresh" mask in his future heroic endeavors. Sadly, I'm sure the parade of irritating modern phrases like "Who's your daddy?" is guaranteed to be something I'm never rid of... which might also explain why the show only last for 22 episodes.
Fending off a shipfull of French goons (although I don't think 10 really counts as a "shipfull"... nor am I positive that “shipfull” is a word…), Jack gives Emilia the opening she needs (huh huh) to switch out Governor Croque's orders with false ones that will lead to a crew of "Frenchsicles" as Jack calls them. The day is saved, the first episode is done. And the townsfolk rejoiced. Yay. I was never a big proponent of this short lived series, despite my Evil Dead Bride's insistence that it was fun if not funny. Given her dislike for the cheesy one-liners and horrendous puns I spew around our apartment on a daily basis, you'd think "Jack of All Trades" would be something she'd hate. Then again, I'm not Bruce Campbell. Even though I wasn't a big fan, I find that the show grows on you (like a Matango) and, despite the "gets old quick" slew of jokes that come out of Campbell's mouth, it's still better than a lot of the other crap that's been allowed to fester on the tube in the years before and since. It's sad that the series was canceled half way into its second season, while it's "Back2Back Action Hour" partner "Cleopatra 2525" was allowed to go on... at least to finish out its own second season...
Moral of the Story: Thomas Jefferson's niece was a total slut. Oh, and superhero masks were originally made of womens' underwear...
