First, I’d like to thank my Danish black market buddy Hubrecht for getting this to me. Hube, you’re the dude. I’ve been sitting on it for a few months and finally got around to checking it out. It’s directed by Robert Zemeckis, who’s prior body of work (
Cast Away, the
Back to the Future trilogy, etc.) doesn’t exactly slap you in the face with the idea that the man can do an epic Nordic action piece. On the other end of it, you’ve got venerable comic scribe and fantasy novel author Neil Gaiman and
Pulp Fiction (&
Silent Hill) writer Roger Avery on the story side of things. And it’s not something they just scribbled out over a weekend for some crack(er jack) money either, because the two have been chiseling this thing piece by piece since 1997. For a decade long project by the likes of these two, you’ve got to expect something memorable, right? Maybe.
It’s early 6th century Denmark (don’t check your calendars, you haven’t fallen back through time…) and the man in charge is King Hrothgar; a fat drunkard who traipses around at parties with a toga barely covering his bulbous, pale, and all together nauseating form. Appropriate, considering he's voiced by Anthony Hopkins… But, when their latest kegger's noise pollution pisses off the neighbors, it's not like the fuzz shows up to arrest some underage boozers, it's a giant inbred mutant beast called Grendel (voiced by Crispin Glover!), who doesn't like his big, uhm, pulsating ear boil being so carelessly assailed! Like a 15ft tall retarded kid, the monster rampages through King H's party hall, smashing the furniture, tossing bodies around like garbage bags full of lunch meat, and screaming incoherently like a cracked out Roberto Benigni. Finally, when the king stands before him calling him out, the beastie punches his own punk card and disappears in a whirlwind of blue fire, heading back to his mommy's cave apartment. Turns out he didn't run because he was scared off by Hroth’s beer gut, but because it seems that mommy wants to keep Hrothgar alive... and if you've read the original epic poems this movie is based on (or at least seen the half-assed attempts at cinematizing them that have come before this) you pretty much know why Momma (Angelina Jolie) wants the old man alive. Speaking of Captain Kangaroo, he's offering up half the money in his kingdom to the man who makes Grendel his bitch, while everybody else is praying to the Gods (Nordic, Roman, even the "new" craze in divinity, some Spanish cat by the name of Jesus) to do their work for them. The king knows that the Gods don't mean shit in the long run though, and that his people don't need another deity to sacrifice their chickens to, they need... a hero!
If there was ever a time to crank Bonnie Tyler on your soundtrack, it would be right now.
But, who will be King Hrothgar 's street-wise Hercules? His white knight upon a fiery steed? The superman to sweep him off his feet? Why, it's none other than SHAZAM!... it's not SHAZAM? Uhm, is it Powdered Toast Man?! No, not Powdered Toast Man either... oh, never mind, it's Beowulf. Much like Leonidis, Alexander, and Troy before him (cinematically before him, by the way), the Big Bad 'Wulf fights not for the money or the decadent sexual debauchery that comes with his lot in life, but for the ever elusive handjobs of the mistress known as glory. I don't blame him, because Glory kicked your bigoted ass, and there's nothing civil about war! There's also nothing civil about Axl Rose, because he's a mush-faced goblin with bad extensions… who kinda reminds me of Grendel. Didn't think I was going anywhere with that little rant, didja? Never doubt the swollen power that is The Random my people, lest ye be awash in a sea of that gelatinous spoog that Vienna Sausages are canned in. Blegh.
And so, the man who looks like Tyler Mane (along with his posse), call the goon out by throwing their own stein hoist. Meanwhile, Hroth's handicap abusing sidekick Unferth (John Malkovich... "MALKOVICH!") plays the dickish role of naysayer, doubting Mr. Beard & Braid's giant killing skills (or “skillz” for our inner-city readers) and condemning him for putting the kingdom's welfare at stake just so he can stroke his big musky ego. Big B's reply? An anecdote about losing a swim meet because he was busy bangin' a mermaid and stabbing sea monsters in their big gooey eyes... the man should be a politician. Actually, this is right about the time when Ragnarok would say this flick is an allegory for the Iraq war, with Unf being used to represent the whiny, do nothing stereotype of the democrats, while Beowulf stands as the Republican wet dream of a macho Aryan ass-kicker who doesn't wait around for approval and just stabs people he doesn't like to death with his broadsword and his dick. Everybody says George W. is trying to live up to some Oedipal Complex where he kills his father's legacy of failure with his own legacy of awesomnicity (then fucks the white haired skin sack that is his mother), but we know he just wants to be Beowulf... or he would if he could read and knew who Beowulf was before this movie came out... fuck it, let me stop picking on him so he can keep thinking he’s White House Rambo and let him get back to jerking off Cock Cheney into copies of “Mein Kampf” to give out as parting gifts at the end of the year.
Back from my little stint on CNN, Grendel comes and cleans house on our hero's buddies, especially one dude who's way too interested in repeatedly stabbing at Big G's gooch. As for Wulfy, he strips down nekkid to meet the monster on "equal terms", and the two mud wrestle. It turns into creepy, expensive, high-tech gay porn for a few minutes here with a few dozen “conveniently placed objects” to keep it on a PG-13 scale. Eventually Grendel gets his ear bubble burst and his arm torn off before escaping into the night to deal with the fact that the closest he'll ever come to getting laid is having a big sweaty Nordic guy humping his back and dismembering him. But the shit's not through hitting the fan yet folks, cuz there's still plenty of movie left for the 'Wulf as Grendel's mommy has a vendetta to fulfill now and all manner of horrors to unleash... especially since Hroth hangs her fugly kid's wayward appendage over his beer hall door like a moose head. Not a good idea using your enemy's kid's body parts for decoration... it’s especially not good for his Feng Shui. I've always said that Angelina Jolie was really a demon bitch behind her bee stung lips and Benetton brats, maybe now you'll believe me!
The rest of the movie isn't as cut and dry as you'd expect from this type of tale. From here it becomes much less a "monster killing romp” and much more a study of Beowulf as a human being with all the character flaws, vulnerabilities, and closet skeletons that come with being such. There's even a little Christianity riffing and a midget Beowulf tossed in there for good measure! Unfortunately, eye popping computer effects seem somewhat wasted when they're being used to try and tell a real story that could’ve easily been done without the bells and whistles, rather than just show us some gore and creature carnage the likes of which regular special effects can't pull off. By the time they try to make up for it with the action packed "boss battle from a video game" type finale (complete with “eXtreme heart surgery!” moment), it all comes off as very cheesy, so be prepared. Oh, and if you hate endings that try to set you up for a needless sequel, just in case the studio thought the movie did well enough that they could "improve" on a centuries old legendary tale by making another one, stay away from the last 5 minutes... I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the twinge of disappointment I’m feeling is a result of the ever popular “studio tampering” and that there’s an improved version just waiting for the DVD release.
Visually, the CGI is really good, and my really good, I mean "You could harldy tell thatit wasn't real actors much of the time!" good. On the minus side, there’s still some work that needs to be done in the medium, especially in regards to the characters’ hand movements and the way they look while riding horses. When I say I’ve seen more realistic renditions of both instances done in video games, I mean it literally. What Beowulf does solve is the problem of making cgi look realistic: make the whole damn movie CGI so none of it quite looks real enough! Crafty. I’d probably be giving it more credit if Final Fantasy: the Spirits Within hadn’t made it look so good 6 years earlier… I’m starting to sound so bitchy that I’m getting on my own nerves, so let’s address one more problem: I didn't like Grendel. I always pictured Grendel as some kind of superbeast goliath like the Incredible Hulk, not an oversized Gollum with a "booted in the head at birth" mentality to match. He looked like the bastard spawn of Pumpkinhead and a California Raisin, and that's all I'm gonna say about that.
On the plus side though, seeing Beowulf made like this gives me renewed faith that a Legend of Zelda movie could be done with the same animation style… let’s just hope it doesn’t take ten years to put together…
Moral of the Story: Never have a crazy party unless you know how your neighbors are gonna react... and whether or not they're giant retarded hillbillies who may or may not storm your beer hall and kill all of your friends.
