The cast and crew of a porno movie are heading into some remote mountains to shoot a movie unhassled by pesky investors wanting to micromanage the production. Among the stars are Ron Jeremy (who you can’t not love), and Veronica Hart, one of Ron’s contemporaries, who was brought along as a coach for the younger girls. She’s not happy with this position, however, and kegel-strokes the director into letting her have a scene with Ron.

Ron has to step outside for some air during the shoot, and is struck by a shooting star, which turns out to be a form of extraterrestrial incorporeal sentient energy. It possesses his wangdoodle, nearly kills Veronica, and tears itself away from his body to go on a murderous rampage. The unimportant characters are shredded, mostly off-camera, until we’re left with: Jonah, the heroic camera man; Veronica, who has been unconscious since her near-fatal doggy-style; Laura the makeup girl who is secretly in love with Ron and is still feeling oddly ambivalent about his murderous alien-possessed schlong; T.J. the sound guy, who is also a tech geek and has designed an electronic fucking machine that can duplicate the sexual experience of having sex with any celebrity; and Mohtz, the lonely old Viet Nam vet who lives in a cabin up the mountain.

Will they stop the heat-seeking moisture missile in time? Will Veronica Hart be able to kegel her way out of this mess? What happens when a 9 ¾-inch alien-possessed bacon torpedo tries to come and gets blueballed? Find out in the thrilling conclusion of Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift.

I wanted to love this movie a lot more than I did. I should love this movie a lot more than I did. The problem is, the movie had a budget that would just about buy you a Baconator combo at Wendy’s and not much else. Make no mistake, every penny they could scrape together is on screen, but I guess they decided it was too important to keep the crew fed and skipped all the gore and dick-attack mayhem that should have been seen. Even though most of the performances are better than a great deal of mainstream stuff you’d see these days, it drags a bit in the middle. It’s hard to just be told there’s a gory Mongolian barbecue jizz sausage rampage going on when you don’t get to see more than a couple frames of it.

But enough of the negative, let’s focus on some positive stuff, shall we? Let’s talk about those performances, and the script. The movie wisely plays its premise totally straight. Sure, there’s humor, but it’s actual clever comedy, not just self-referential wanking. One sideways wink moment would have sunk the whole thing. And playing straight works great because, who would have guessed, the porn stars are really good actors! Well, I already knew Ron Jeremy had some chops, but the real surprise comes from Veronica Hart. There are two standout moments where she really shines – one at the very end when she’s strangling the alien death cock with her vagina, and one before the movie starts shooting, where she has a really touching scene with Ron about being an old porn star put out to pasture.

But the movie’s real coup de grace comes from genre stalwart Charles Napier, who plays Mohtz. While he and T.J. and Jonah are sitting around, using Laura’s panties to bait the dick in for an attempt to kill it with T.J.’s fucking machine, he tells the story of how his CO in Viet Nam was possessed by one of these entities, and his mayonnaise-spewing trouser Polyphemus killed their entire platoon. I shit you not, this scene rivals Robert Shaw’s “sinking of the Indianapolis” speech in Jaws. “You wanna know what Hell sounds like? I think it sounds like 30 men being massacred…by a dick.”

If that doesn’t make you want to see this, I don’t know what will.