Mark is a med student. He wants to marry Brenda, but apparently med students are poor and they can’t afford to start their life together. Mark’s uncle dies and leaves Mark his tourist ranch, with the proviso that he has to make it turn a profit in six months or the estate will be liquidated. So Mark rounds up all his smelly hippy friends (why a med student hangs out with a bunch of filthy hippies is beyond me, and in fact makes me a bit uncomfortable thinking that my doctor may be rushing my surgery so he can get out to the golf course and drop acid behind the greenskeeper’s shed) and they all go to work at the ranch.

The old groundskeeper, Solomon, warns them of the curse of the Headless Horseman, a cowboy killed on the property, who rides the night looking for revenge. And then gold is found and Mark uses the curse as an excuse to dress up as the Horseman and ride around splattering blood on people from a severed head he carries with him. A few people are accidentally killed, and in the end Mark is gunned down and there isn’t really a Horseman at all…or is there?

God damn it, I fucking hate Scooby Doo. I don’t think Scooby Doo is necessarily responsible for the “oops, there’s no monster after all, it’s just a guy trying to scare people” ending, but since I don’t know what is, I’m going to blame it anyway. Seriously, what the fuck are people thinking when they end their story that way? Does anyone really believe that their audience, who has come to see a movie about a monster, or a vampire, or a headless horseman as the case may be, will really be satisfied when they find out the danger wasn’t real? “Ha ha! Gotcha! You sat through this entire shitty movie and the whole time there wasn’t even anything scary going on, but I made you watch all the boring bits where we padded out the run time showing hippies wandering aimlessly through a theme park because you thought you were at least going to get some payoff by seeing a headless horseman decapitate someone, but I FUCKING FOOLED YOU AND MY MOVIE HAS NO SUBSTANCE!”

There are a few small saving graces to this greasy ass-zit of a movie, though. The narration, performed in a waaaay over the top manner (which would have saved the movie if the whole thing had kept pace with the narrator), is a goldmine of goofiness. Even though the horseman isn’t real, there’s a pretty cool scene of him chasing a chick on acid around the park, with lots of weird color-filter changes. The generally awful quality of the film adds a touch of atmosphere to the scenes that aren’t so boring they make me wish I was watching Brokeback Mountain.

Those few little bits are not nearly enough to save an entire movie, though. I will never forgive Leonard Kirtman for the horrible folk music I had to listen to while watching this thing. You have the costume. You clearly have money for some stage blood, because the flashback where the horseman is shot down has some pretty good squib work. There is absolutely no reason at all that there couldn’t actually be a headless horseman killing hippies instead of this douchebag Mark just trying to hoard a stash of gold. Fuck you, movie.

The Moral of the Story: If you promise a curse of a headless horseman, deliver a curse of a headless horseman. A goofy narrator implying that there may have been a curse at the end, when there clearly was no curse, is not going to cut it. There needs to be an oversight committee to keep an eye on this kind of thing. I’ll be the chairman. Kirtman, you are hereby legally obliged to change the name of your movie to Curse of the Cop-out Ending or The Absolutely Not-A-Curse of the Headless Horseman Who Is Not Really In This Movie.

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