Hong Kong police Sergeant Frank Li is your every day womanizing Rico Suave who's only on the force because his uncle happens to be the Chief. In fact, when we first meet him, he's trying to figure out a way to escape from this latest “girlfriend”'s husband. As for his new partner Officer Mike Tso, he's more the straight laced supercop type, hence why it's fitting that we first meet him while he's breaking up a robbery... that ends with Frank passed out in a puddle of his own urine... long story. Of course, in an effort to get his nephew to straighten up and take his job seriously, Frank gets paired with... oh come on, if you couldn't guess that Mike is Frank's new partner then you need to go find your 3rd grade teacher and punch them in the mouth for not giving you a proper education! Oh well, if anything bad happens then Mike can take the blame while, subsequently, Frank will take the credit for the good. I see wackiness in our future, kids!

Of course you can't have a buddy cop movie without an evil cartel to break up though, so we've got some drug trafficking operation going on between a Thai gang who use Hong Kong connections to smuggle coke filled surf/sail boards to American buyers. Turns out the Thai shit is just that though, so now the Kongers (or maybe Hongkies?) need to drudge up some 'A' #1 nasal snow or give their lives as a show of respect to their '80s music video reject customers. Poison Snake Ping (one of the Kongers) uses his aerobics instructor sister Marie to pass around the shitty coke for him so he can earn up enough cash for them to return to their family home in China. Li and Tso catch on to the siblings' misdeeds, leading to dressing room mishaps, panty-headed violence, a pantsless pursuit through downtown, and a beauty salon beat-'em-up. When his bosses find out PSP's been double-dealing behind their backs though, he winds up with an M80 in his hand, a pillow on his back, and 7 or 8 new airholes in his torso.

For anyone who's a really big fan of CYF and thinks he's the nicest guy in the world, you might want to skip this flick. After Ping's murder, Frank and Marie have a pretty heavy spat that gets uncomfortably physical as he slaps her around, kicks her in the stomach, sends her through a glass table, drags her around by her hair, and dunks her head in a full bathtub before she finally stops struggling. It's rough... and only kinda kinky... not really... But of course afterwards she falls in love with the big lug like a Hong Kong trailer park Stella, so I guess beating on women is okay after all. Thanks for showing us all the way Mr. Fat. And if my mother-in-law is reading this, I'm being sarcastic.

Anyway, this all eventually leads up to the big sting operation as the cops set up the dealers for the big bust. The bad guys try to escape in a big shoot-out and all are either killed or captured, with the exception of the big boss who leads Frank and Mikey on a midnight car chase. Li and Tso catch the criminals, Marie turns state's evidence and gets a reward as well as a plane ticket back to China, and everybody wins!... except that we've still got 20 minutes left in the movie and we haven't gotten to the best part!

Turns out the bad guys haven't all been arrested, so more goons show up out of nowhere, gunning down Marie and kidnapping Frank's sister Mimi! Now, if the cops don't release their boss, the gang will burn Mimi alive... after they've given her to the American drug dealers to gang rape. Having grown fond of his partner's sister, Mike's reply is a hilarious spout of “FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!” to the villains over the phone before dragging Big Brother out of the police station and going in for the FINAL big finale. The showdown takes place at the assembly shop where the drug packed wind sailing board are made. Guns blaze, bodies fly, asses are whooped on, a white guy thinks he knows kung-fu, Frank lays the smack down with a flying shotgun, but the important thing is that Michael gets into a CHAINSAW DUEL with a guy! A friggin' CHAINSAW DUEL! And this isn't just a little saw vs. saw tapping match like in Motel Hell or Phantasm II, these guys wield a pair of Stihls like they were fuckin' katanas! And such is the whole reason I tracked this movie down: the great CHAINSAW DUEL in history.

Since nothing can top a chainsaw ballet fight, the movie ends afterwards. The cops show up just in time to be too late (as always), Frank and Mike's kidnapping of Big Brother is overlooked in favor of the good press their bust will bring the department, and our boys are in line for a huge promotion in rank. Now just cue the cheesy '80s ending theme with its heavy guitar riffs so we can all go home and reflect on the awesomeness we just watched.

Despite the cookie-cutter '80s buddy cop action flick storyline, Tiger On the Beat is head and chainsaws above the rest. Why? Chow Yun Fat's such an affable dude (except when he's beating up a woman...), Conan Lee is an under appreciated ass-kicking asset to any movie, watching the two repeatedly say “Fuck you!” in their wacky accents is hilarious, and when the light-hearted antics get pushed to the back burner it's only so they can whip out the bad ass fight scenes! Wow. Again, generic as the movie may be at its core, the flaky warm crust to this pie is buttery and delicious and covered in nerdgasm inducing CHAINSAW FIGHTING! In the end it's all for fun. Don't pick it up if you're looking for a deep story, immaculate suspense, or complex characters. If you're looking to flip the off switch on your cinema snobbery and feed your goofy violent side a few speedballs though, you're in for prime rib my friends. Speaking of which, while I gnaw the remains of my lunch, feel free to rock yourself to the CHAINSAW DUEL by clicking the rolling head at the bottom of the page, or just jazzercise to the movie's theme song whose lyrics are listed below. You have to provide your own music in your head, but these lyrics work with any type of music...