"Oneechanbara" loosely translates into English as "big sister sword fighting". The series started as a cheap-o budget video game in Japan on PlayStation2 circa 2004 and has lived on through numerous sequels in the 5 years since, with the latest installments finally sneaking their way onto US consoles via the Wii and XBox360... albeit short one 'e' for reasons unknown. American critics slam-danced all over these newest releases for being both low-tech and low-brow, passing off the oft cheeky and abnormal perversions of Japanese entertainment as a blatant effort by US distributors to market their product to pedophiles. I think the cries of perversion are a tad overblown, despite showing a 16 year-old school girl in her unmentionables (because mentioning them would make the FBI a bigger pain in my ass than being Mike Tyson's cell mate), but I can see where the accusations of bad graphics, repetitive gameplay and lazy level design fit in. And yet I still played it for 26 hours. Go figure... Anyway, the Oneechanbara games have built themselves enough of a following in the Land of the Rising Sun to warrant a movie. And here it is.

In the near (or possibly far off...) future of "20XX", a group called the D3 Corporation (coincidentally enough the name of the company who publishes the Oneechanbara video games...), with the help of whack job scientist Dr. Sugita, will learn how to resurrect the dead in a not-so-clear bid for global domination. Like a George Romero wet dream, the not-quite-dead-but-not-exactly-alive took to doing their zombie mambo all over Earth, rising from their graves and such and taking their swift and violent revenge on their asshole family members who had them buried in shipping crates at the city landfill just to save a few bucks on funeral costs. If I don't get a wide-body casket with plenty of elbow room and velvet lining thicker than Rush Limbaugh's head, all inside of a burial plot on top of Mt. Fuji, you can bet the executors of my estate will be the first skulls I sink my ghoul grill into when I come back from Cadaverville! Anyway, the zombie plague has swallowed much of the planet, but as with any cinematic zombie plague there are scattered patches of uninfected survivors still trying to make it through their day-to-day in the flesh-eaten remains of civilization. Macho alpha male types make names for themselves beating on smaller guys to prove the old "might makes right" adage, while their lackeys embrace the lack of a legal system by snorting all the no-longer-illegal substances they can fit up their nostrils. There is one remaining vestige of the pre-zombie culture still alive and well though: a refugee from Spring Break named Aya...

Decked out in a teeny-weeny bikini (of the itsy-bitsy genus), a feathered boa, and one of those white-trash bar skank cowboy hats, Aya is one bottle of Wild Turkey away from being a contestant on "Rock of Love". She plans to cut herself a swathe of beach party destruction through the world's corpse population, using her flashy katana blade and an arsenal of ninja moves that were ingrained into her pre-pubescent mind by her kung-fu poppa. Aya kick-flips and tornado spins her way into our hearts (and pants) as she splatters torrents of living dead viscera through the air in the search for his younger sister Saki. Along for the ride is Aya's human pack mule and portly comic relief Katsuji, who seems like the kind of guy that's less interested in the odds of his getting laid in this new world order now being stacked in his favor, and more concerned that there are less humans left to operate the Dunkin Donuts franchises he holds so dear to his overworked pancreas. As it turns out, Rub-a-dub's also looking for his own little sister, who was taken from him by D3 and their worm-eaten goon squad. While seeking their corresponding siblings, the duo also meet up with leather-clad, gun-slinging biker girl Reiko, who offers to scratch their backs with her magic sawed-off shotgun that never runs out of bullets so long as they help her make a hearty pot of vengeance stew with the bloody cubed up bits of Dr. Sugita for the meat. Not one simply seeking revenge for the rest of the world, Reik's bloodlust for Sugita's violently dismembered corpse is fueled by her daughter's death during the great ghoul takeover. The partnership with Reiko is all the more convenient for both heroes considering that their little sisters are both being held by Dr. Sug... and are serving as his school girl ninja enforcers.

And 86% of our viewers just got 200% hornier.

As it turns out, either as a means of making things a little clearer or just complicating them further, Aya and Saki are the heiresses of a legendary group of assassins known as the Imichi clan... not to be confused for the Medici clan, unless Aya reveals herself to be Italian and plans on trading in her cowboy hat and bikini for pope robes and even goofier headgear. What's the big deal behind being an Imichi? If you're just watching the movie, not a fucking thing. Though there's reference made to the blood of the Imichi clan, not once does the movie go into detail about why their crimson is so damn special. Then again, when you're making a movie about a bikini girl cutting up armies of the undead, the type of audience that comes along with it isn't usually the kind of audience that concerns itself with little details like why the heroine's wearing a bikini, so long as she does so for the entire flick. As much as this type of flick isn't meant to live or die on its story elements, having prior knowledge of the source material in this case sets up for disappointment... hence why I'll be better off not to watch any movie adapting anything I've already seen or read about... Besides, the whole blood thing just adds another dimension of nonsensical madness to the recipe that could only have improved on this species of "crazy random cocoa-puffs shit" movie, so why leave it out!?

As a character, Aya shares more with early Clint Eastwood spaghetti western roles than just a penchant for cowboy hats and ponchos. She's also very much the "strong, silent, cool" type who speaks with actions more than words, and is more likely to curl up in a ball of depression with her inner demons rather than bare her soul to her fat travel companion over hot cups of Earl Gray... make your own "I know what I'd like to see her bare!" remark here. Anyway, I have no problem getting behind a tough female lead, but the quieter her personality is, the more we're forced to rely on the sidekick to fill time. In this case, that means sitting through Tub-O-Guts's one (and a half) man show. I'd almost rather give Rush Limbaugh a blumpkin than sit through another 90 minutes of "Fat Kat" antics... almost. Fortunately, Reiko's "depressed, angry mom" act gives us something else to get emotionally invested in, but at the same time her story's nothing new in the realm of living dead survivor movies: in the end you know she's either going bat-shit bonkers over her dead daughter or going completely numb and focusing instead on her new career as a desensitized cap popper of undead asses.

Keeping faithful to the video games in both story and "spirit", the movie is a lot of mindless action and very much made on the cheap. Almost all of the blood and gore is digital, the cast and creative are made up of no-names and first-timers, action pieces are digitally "shaken" to make them seem more exciting (and attempt to disguise their meager pittance of a budget), and the majority of scenes are shot in and around an abandoned warehouse. The only real exceptions being scenes that look to have been shot in someone's basement... possibly in the basement of the aforementioned warehouse... I can't be sure.

In the end, we're left with your standard issue Japanese zombie fare. Sure, there's some decent sword-fighting and zombie pureeing to be had, but Oneechanbara comes up short on the memorable characters and over-the-top situations that more entertaining genre entries like Wild Zero, Bio-Zombie, Versus or Stacy have provided us with over the last two decades. As far as action-packed final battle showdown finales go though, Oneechanbara gives Aya and Saki all the time needed for a satisfying finish that will please the action fan within despite how cheesy they may get with the special effects. It's all in fun though, so expecting a Summer blockbuster or the next Oscar nominee for Best Foreign Picture just goes to show that you're a jerk-off with unrealistic expectations in life and will thus die alone in agony preceded by a long and tormented life of crippling depression and self-inflicted rectal trauma... congratulations. At least you have life goals.