Tang isn't Ho Bag's sole source of production fundage though. For example, God (under his "Alton Cheung" alias) put together a series of Tang-free movies called "Zodiac America". I'm not sure how many installments the series ran for. I didn't even know Kickboxer From Hell was one of them until the title card came up listing it as Zodiac America 3. A little research online turned up a couple more titles under the ZA banner; The Super Master (volume 1) and The Evil Destroyer (volume 2), but nothing beyond volume 3. If anyone reading this knows anything else about Zodiac America feel free to... meh, keep it to yourself. The last thing I need is more useless Godfrey Ho knowledge squeezing more important crap out of my head, like how to snake a toilet or the proper spices needed to make my ultimate curly fries. They're not just curly fries, they're ultimate curly fries.

A woman named Sophia escapes through a forest (and our opening credits), being pursued by a trio of white guys wearing wife beaters, unflattering smocks made of old feed bags (I'm sure if you pause it in just the right spot it says "CORN MASH" on one of 'em), and goofy war paint. In a bit of bad movie fortune, said distressed damsel just so happens to stumble into a clearing in the woods where a lumpy Aryan kickboxer (who looks kinda like Uwe Boll) named Sean is sparring with his brother! The goons and Sean trade verbal blows (meaning they call each other assholes) and before you can say "Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and shit it out solved" (provided you have a bad stutter and it takes you a while to finish complete sentences), they commence with the kung-fooery. The lead thug gets his ass handed to him as expected, but instead of ganging up on the hero (likely because the other two are friends of the producer and not actual martial artists or stuntmen) they take their leave, threatening that a guy named Lucifer will be back to take care of this two-bit Canadian (or maybe British? or German?) Sasha Mitchell.

It turns out that Sophia is an undercover nun (there's definitely a movie title in there somewhere... "Nundercover"?) sent to infiltrate a group of Satan worshipers that just happen to live near Sean's shabby home. Her partner in covert clergy action is Eileen, a Japanese woman who apparently decided in mid-mission to settle down and get married to a guy named Robert Ho. Such is the excuse used this time for Godfrey/Alton's fascination with splicing decidedly Asian movie clips in with American/Canadian ones featuring casts of characters that never actually interact with one another... Go Mr. Ho. This gives us an excuse to leave Lumpy and Churchy and check in on Eileen and Robert's honeymoon! Instead of gettin' bizzay with consummating the marriage though, the couple is instead awoken in the middle of the night by a self-flushing toilet which leads to Robert getting into a pillow fight with a flying cat... no, I didn't just have a stroke, that last part actually happened.

The phantom feline disappears and the newlyweds bring their honeymoon to an early end. Returning home they find that their bad juju isn't over yet, when their wedding pics come back with ghostly images of a woman lurking above their heads. A woman that Eileen mentions looks strangely like Bob's dead ex-wife Lisa. So, for anybody who thought Shutter was some big deal fancypants new age movie concept, apology accepted. Back to the Lumpy & Churchy Show, when we last left our resident odd couple they were sitting on Lumpy's couch, arguing about the best way to fight Satan. Churchy said that violence does not defeat violence, and Lumpy just wanted to punch Lucifer in the face really hard. Oh what drama. Speaking of Lucifer, we meet him for the first time as he's reaming out his lackluster minions for losing Churchy. The funny part (beyond the funny bone fracturing acting and ulcer inducing dialog) is that the only ones being blamed for the defeat are Thing 1 and Thing 2, while their pompous ass of a leader (who I'm going to call Glovey because he wears a single white glove... and he kinda reminds of that kid in the Power Glove ad) sits idly by Lucifer's side. 1 and 2 argue, each saying the other got his mangina handed to him by Lumpy (though neither actually fought him!), until Lucy orders them to fight each other to the death with the winner getting to keep his spot on Hell's payroll. After much knuckle cracking and mercifully brief "action" Thing 2 wins, only to find himself tricked by his master as he is now to serve as a sacrifice to Satan. Because Old Scratch got all wrapped up in the '90s kickboxing movie fad though, the sacrifice isn't done with any knives, bloodletting, or heart ripping. Instead Thing 2 gets his ass beaten by Glovey, culminating in a nut shattering punch in the 'sac. That's right, Satan no longer requires blood and hearts as tribute, but ruptured testicles. Somehow, I think I'd rather have my still beating heart pulled from my chest while I watch rather than get my cashews mashed.

While all this hilarity is ensuing, Bob and 'Leen hire themselves a maid and the girl runs into Bob's ghost ex in the bathroom, who tells the girl that she's a guest of the couple. The next morning, Maidy sets a third place at the breakfast table for the "guest" and explains her run-in with the nekkid Lisa. Instead of 'Leen jumping to conclusions that Bob's got another woman in their house after dark (or Bob thinking the opposite...), she just kinda looks concerned as Bob generally blows it off, seeming more irritated that his maid is still talking rather than worried that his dead ex is haunting him... or that strange women may be breaking into their house in the middle of the night to bathe... After seeing Lisa again the next night, this time eating watermelon and laughing with a nasty looking scab on her face, Maidy resigns. As for Lumpy and Churchy, she gets kidnapped by Things 1 & 2 (decidedly less dead than they were 10 minutes ago...) and he springs into action to save her, accompanied by a familiar tune on the soundtrack... HOLY SHIT! They actually STOLE John Carpenter's Halloween theme and applied it to this what-passes-for-a-movie! My jaw didn't just hit the floor, it broke a window and leaped six stories to its death. Oh well, so much for not having that stroke I said I didn't have earlier... Anyway, Lumpy saves Churchy, but his brother Baldy (whom the writer never even bothered to give a name to) is killed by Glovey, thus giving Lumpy the personal stake he needed in the fight against Lucifer... though I'm pretty sure that malice and revenge are sins somehow, so I don't know how that works.

Jumping back to our unhappy husband and wife, 'Leen bosses Bob's live-in caretaker Miss Young into coughing up the key to the house's storage room where she finds all of Lisa's old stuff collecting dust. She's attacked by the dead woman's wedding dress, prompting Bob to burn all of his former ball & chain's material possessions. Naturally this does nothing to stop the supernatural assaults and the spook even follows Mr. Ho on a "business trip" to a hotel where he's shacking up with a "client". Technically, if she turns out to be a prostitute, it would be an exchange of goods and services and thus could qualify as a business trip. It doesn't matter either way though, because his girly-on-the-side ends up nekkid and tossed over the side a balcony. Bob's off the hook though, because the cops found the woman's diary filled with entries about how she was always considering suicide. Well, appearing in a Godfrey Ho flick is tantamount to career suicide, so it looks like she succeeded after all!

In another attempt at trying to tie these two terrible tales together (damn, that's a lot of consecutive 't' words for one sentence!), God slips in a brief scene of Lucifer performing some kind of hex spell on a picture of Eileen. This hex crosses the cinematic borders and causes 'Leen to see her brother-in-law and his son as if they were Lisa and drives her to attack both until she's restrained. Then, in yet another shot at suckering the audience into thinking this is one complete movie instead of two half-assed ones, Lumpy and Churchy go to a meeting with her boss Jimmy, who's really just footage of a Japanese guy... with whom they never interact directly... and who was shot on different film stock... I feel another stroke coming on. Stock footage Jimmy tells the two that the only way to stop Lucifer is to destroy the skull shaped jars in which he stores his own evil lifeforce. As for Bob and 'Leen, the cops question Miss Young about Lisa's mysterious death, seeing as how she was Lisa's nanny throughout the young lady's entire life. Finding out where the former Mrs. Ho was buried, they get together a group of people to perform a seance (Japanese law books must've been written by Stephen King...) and it turns out that not only has Lisa's spirit been using the old lady's withered husk as a timeshare, but of course Bob also murdered her. Seems he also buried her real body in the garden on his property instead of consecrated ground, hence why her spirit hasn't passed on to its next life. That night, after the cops have dug up Lisa's fake public grave and found a big piece of wood in her casket, they head to the Ho house where Bob has already killed Old Lady Young (what an ironic name) and dug up his ex-wife's real grave in an effort to dump the body. After being chased around by the Japanese equivalents of Starsky & Hutch, Bob chop sockeys them into submission only to wind up ravaged by his undead ghost vampire ex-wife.

Now that that's over with, we can wrap things up with Lumpy and Churchy and put this clusterfuck 60ft under and cover it with concrete. Lumpy goes to confront Lucifer. Churchy gets kidnapped AGAIN. Lumpy beats up Thing 1 and Thing 2 AGAIN. Lumpy and Glovey have a sledgehammer duel which, as surreal as it sounds, is made all the more mind boggling when THE THEME MUSIC FROM RE-ANIMATOR STARTS PLAYING... Jesus Sodomizing Christ in a nitro-burning funny car, I swear to you that a section of my brain just exploded through the back of my skull and is now reciting Robert Frost poetry backwards on my couch all because of this fucking movie... almost there Anubis, just gotta keep it together a little longer... Once Lumpy beats Glovey in the hammer fight, the two go mano-a-mano ("hand to hand" in case you're one of those people who insists on irritating me by thinking it means "man to man") and though I half expected to hear the theme from Killer Klowns From Outer Space, what's left of my brain is mercifully spared. Lumpy breaks Glovey's neck, smashes the skull containers holding Lucifer's lifeforce, Churchy (and the spicy little red dress her captors gave her) are saved, and Lumpy never makes it to that big kickboxing tournament he spent half of the movie training for. What a shame.

The sad part about a movie like this isn't that it's a cheap piece of shit made of two already decroded pieces of other shit, but that there's so much wasted potential. I now know how my parents must've felt when I told 'em I was going to start my own non-profit website about bad movie reviews. Kickboxer From Hell could have worked so much better as two separate movies. The "vengeful murdered ghost wife" stuff actually didn't give me searing gas pain from watching it. Not once did I pray for knitting needles in my ears, Drain-O in my eyes, or shards of glass in my burrito and that's an accomplishment. Sure, it would make for something of a generic flick, but it wouldn't be terrible. Speaking of terrible, had Ho structured an entire feature around the Lumpy and Churchy Show it would've been phenomenal. It would've scored a sweaty, pit-stained, taint odored ZERO of a personal rating, but a whopping FOUR foil balls when it comes to the party grade. Instead, what we end up with is an uneven bowel movement that blows your mind with hideous incompetence one moment, lures you into a false sense of security with mediocrity the next, then returns with another roundhouse of "what the fuck just happened?!" straight to the gonads immediately after. If I stubbed my toe on the coffee table on the way to the kitchen, downed a couple beers while there, then smashed the big toe from my other foot when I came back, all the while listening to periodic bouts of instrumental music from notable American horror movies, THAT is what Kickboxer From Hell is!

This unbalance factor is the only thing keeping this movie from the "Off With Their Heads" list. There's no way I can promote this nightmare, but there's also no way I can, in good conscience (yeah, right, like I have one of those), condemn it 100%. Besides the half of the movie that doesn't bring me physical pain, the fight choreography during the kickboxing crap is actually really well done! I feel dirty even typing it, but it's true. Unlike most Ho Bag flicks, this one is actually not so bad that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. In fact, I think I'll send a copy to Anne Coulter tomorrow... provided that order of powdered Agent Orange gets here before it kills another FedEx driver.