I've seen me a lot of weird shit in my day, but I ain't never seen a vampire motorcycle. I seen me a stripper with one breast. And I seen an elephant fly. I've even seen Rush Limbaugh suck donkey dick (and swallow) for two OxyContin and a bottle of bourbon, but I ain't never seen a vampire motorcycle. And I've seen every movie Charles Band has ever made...

Here we have yet another movie written by, directed by, and starring absolutely nobody of note. Well, that's not entirely true, since lead male Neil Morrissey did go on to become the voice of Bob the Builder: one of the leading causes for poverty in parents with children between the ages of 2 and 6. Oh yeah, and Anthony Daniels is the leading gay robot rights advocate and the only person to get a paycheck for every episode of the Star Wars movie series. But the writers and director at least live up to that “this is all they'll ever be known for” moniker. Premeditated career suiciders or not though, they can at least be proud of one thing: their little movie will forever be a part of the pantheon of bad movies with unforgettable monikers, alongside such memorably titled titles as Surf Nazis Must Die!, Psyched By the 4-D Witch, and the movie with a lifetime kingship of the Memorable Title Mardi Gras - The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies.

For those contesting TISCWSLABMUZ's Divine Right (God of Death here remember) as king, Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Alien, Flesh Eating, Hellbound, Zombified Living Dead Part 2: In Shocking 2-D is disqualified because it's a re-dubbed version of Night of the Living Dead and therefore not original material, thus it does not fit the standards and practices set in place for participation in this category. That, and this is a website, not a democracy. You want to have things your way, go out and vote... or go to Burger King... though I guarantee you'll get less dirty looks at your local voting location when you ask for extra pickles, no onions, the secret sauce on the side, and a prime number of chicken fries.

When a gang of devil worshiping bikers try to perform a campfire hellbeast summoning on a rival troupe's territory, said rivals make their feelings on trespassers known. Butchering the Satanists with knives, hatchets, guns, and crossbows, the bloodthirsty cycle enthusiasts walk off gleefully into the night having snuffed out their competition... though I'm sure that “Easy Rider” prints out plenty of copies for everyone and such senseless violence isn't exactly necessary. By leaving the party early though, the killers miss it when the little cartoon flame demon summoned by the now-dead emissaries' spell finds its way into the gas tank of its dead host's motorcycle. Sure enough the bike (which I'll be calling Norton on account of its manufacturer) ends up in a secondhand shop, where it's soon picked up by our hero-to-be Nick “Noddy” Oddie (Neil Morrissey). Noddy's your basic unkempt youth what with his shaggy hair and all. If you tried to set your watch by his facial stubble it'd perpetually be 5 o'clock. You'd also think he was a cartoon character, given that he wears the same pair of overalls for the length of the movie, excluding scenes in bed. Nod runs a messenger service with his lass Kim called “Warhead Dispatch”. The troubles with his new “company car” start early too, as he gets a call from the Bobbies first thing the next morning asking him to identify his friend/mechanic Buzzer's remains!... or what remains of the remains... that, uhm, remain... Buzz's head is found 20ft from his shoulders and the walls of his flat are painted with gore and what appears to be big black tire tracks. Hmmm, I wonder how those got there. Seriously? Did you forget the movie's title?!

While out for a late night ride on Nort, Noddy happens upon the very gang that killed the bike's prior owner. Understandably upset, the machine forces the Nodster to plow right through the ruffians, thus earning the lad their ire. If movies like Mad Max and The Stranger taught us nothing else, it's that biker ire is one of the least pleasant flavors of ire you want to earn. It's the “Rum Raisin & Roach Droppings” of ire! After the “run in”, Nods has a night of weird dreams ranging from the lead inspector of Buzzer's murder case giving Noddy Buzz's head in a bag, to a very Freudian nightmare about Nods crapping out a turd monster with Buzzer's face that proceeds to attack him by leaping into his mouth... are you sure this movie wasn't made in Germany? While our lead doofus struggles to sleep through these night terrors, Norton nourishes itself with a stray dog who picked the wrong exhaust pipe to piss on. I don't blame the pooch though. Being half-dog, I understand the urge to paint the occasional exhaust pipe yellow, especially when there aren't any good fire hydrants or New England Patriots fans around. Losing 38-13 against the fucking Dolphins!? Somewhere Fistula's probably still got an erection from that game.

Mourning Buzzer with a night out at the pub after their bloke's funeral, Nods and Kim find out they just happen to be hanging out in the bad bikers' watering hole of choice. A two-on-twelve sword fight breaks out (?!) and the heroes slip out the back door (whereas if you ask my Evil Dead Bride I prefer to slip in the back door *wink*wink*), but Norton goes back later to lay some vulcanized, petrol fueled vengeance on bad guy biker ass, running them off the road, spearing them with projectile spikes, and cutting off heads with Ben Hurlian spoke pokers! Having finished with them, Nort goes off on a late night rampage, mowing down and feeding on pedestrians, cops, and even uses its busted headlight to “bite” off a meter maid's hand! The bike then returns to its resting place in Noddy's shed before daybreak. When he finally realizes what he's got on his hands, Nods brings a priest (Anthony “C-Fucking-3PO” Daniels!) in to exorcise the demon machine. As you'd expect in a movie, the father thinks Noddy's just been huffing too many exhaust fumes, but when the bike refuses to be pushed into sunlight and lobs off the padre's fingers with it's hand break in protest, Charlie Church starts singing a different tune... I think it might be “Disco Duck”... or maybe “Detachable Penis”.

A hasty last-minute exorcism proves ineffective and the bike goes off on another rampage, this time in a not-so-high speed chase after Nods through the streets, attacking Kim in the hospital, mutilating some bodybuilders, and putting the last of the biker gang into a coffin... literally. As with any object of evil in this type of movie though, Norton's time comes to a violent finale as it's melted into a steaming pile (much like Hulk Hogan's personality) by tanning bed lights. Of course, the thing about a vampire motorcycle is that you have to destroy ALL of its factory original parts... this would be the point where I look into the camera and give everybody a knowing wink, but since we don't do podcasts here (and since my face breaks every camera it comes into contact with), just take that ellipsis to mean that the potential for a sequel, while still unrealized almost 20 years later, is there.

IBaVM is a very dark movie. I don't mean the comedy (though it is pretty dark), I mean the lighting. You don't get to see a lot of the violence too well because of the lack of illumination thereof. Then again, maybe the idea of having a vampire motorcycle that only kills after nightfall is to have an automatic excuse to cover up all of the low budget violence with shadows. You make do with what you have. In that regard, the movie is a success. Everything is competently done and I'm actually damn surprised that the writers at least don't have more credits to their resume. The decidedly British air of dry humor aside, the concept is a solid piece of camp creativity and I imagine Miller and Wolskel could garner enough weird ideas between them to put at least a few scripts together that they could sell to somebody with a little bad movie budgetary freedom! Where are Charles Band and Lloyd Kaufman when you need 'em?!

Other than that, Vampire Motorcycle has competent acting, solid special effects work, a fare pace, cohesive storytelling, and enough wit to keep you entertained till the end. If nothing else, at least it's made its way onto my ever growing list of “movies that actually deserve a sequel”. Which, trust me, does NOT include Evil Bong, though a certain asshat that shall remain nameless disagrees with me on that one... what a shart burger.