After a 45 second jazz intro played over a blank screen (just long enough to tug your pubes by making you think your disc is broken...), the movie further mocks us with a title card that tells us we're watching something called "It's Hot In Paradise"... why is this movie already making me hate it?! It just started and I'm already considering bribing Mr. Peabody into Waybacking me just far enough in time to shoehorn a few end tables up some German moviemakers' asses! Grrrrr... As far as the title goes though, this is the original American version of the movie with the brief nudity parts before they were cut and the horror elements became the center of attention, bringing with them the new title. Just wanted to let you know that... Gary Webster (get it, it's a movie about killer spiders and his name is WEBster! har har!) is the manager of a traveling dance troupe and needs some fine young fillies for his latest endeavor to Singapore... he's also played by a Mr. Alexander D'Arcy, who looks like Jackie Gleason's evil (okay, more evil) mustachioed twin from an alternate dimension where people wear lederhosen on their head and bodily funk is admirable, even arousing. Okay, before I make myself sick with thoughts of unwashed people getting gooey over their b.o., let's take a look at the ladies who want to be Mr. Webster's new smut squad, shall we? Oh let’s shall!

Mae is a fine young thang who can actually dance, has that semi-innocent charm about her, but isn't afraid to hike up her dress when somebody asks. Babs is a blonde bombshell with shoulders like a linebacker who's just looking for an excuse to flash what she's got, and seduces all the boys with her smoldering good looks and "your dick is mine, bring it here" attitude. Gladys and Doreen are a pair of brunette beauties who have been "dance partners" for years... yeah, and I'm sure their most proficient dance is the "Horizontal Clam Dip". Linda is a stripper with more lumps to her than a bowl of oatmeal... and that's pretty much all you need to know about Linda. Nelly spins around a lot and wears dresses that make her ass look bigger than Jennifer Lopez's... ego *zing*! Some chick named Kate is hired too, even though we manage to dodge the bullet that is her tryout. Good thing too, because the less we have to hear of her forced Southern Fried accent, the better. And so, after 10 minutes that feel like an hour, Gary's got his troupe and it's time to take these ladies (along with his assistant Georgia... whose pimp hand is so weak that bitches' faces don't move in the slightest when she slaps 'em) from LA to Singapore!... by way of stock footage of two different prop planes and some aerial footage of New York City... Gary really needs to fire his travel agent.

Unfortunately for everybody, their plane's engines inexplicably burst into flames and the craft nosedives into the Pacific. While Webster and his ladies find themselves stranded at see in a safety raft, generally unscathed by the ball of flame that was once their plane smashing into the water, Gary's partner Mike Blackwood remains in LA, taking phone calls, smoking unlit cigarettes, sweating like a Nazi in a synagogue, and continuing to wear his sunglasses inside like the damn things were Krazy Glued to his skull by a pissed off girlfriend. That really has nothing to do with the story, I just hate shitheads who wear their sunglasses inside. Speaking of “the story”, after five days adrift in the briny blue, Gary and the girls finally manage to find land, rowing themselves to the shores or a mysterious island. What makes it mysterious? I dunno, it just feels mysterious I guess. Plus, there's supposedly a big search party underway to find the group, but nobody's apparently thought to check out this big island not far from where the plane's flight path was to see if there just might be some stranded survivors there... or whatever else there might be prowling there... like maybe some spiders? Maybe spiders that bring horror? Maybe they're now stranded on an island full of horror bringing spiders? *wink*wink*.

After exploring the island for a little while, Gary and the bimbo parade find a cabin! Yay! But inside the cabin is an old man. Boo. But he's dead! Yay! But he's also trapped in a giant spider web. Boob... errrr, I mean, "Boo"... sorry, all these busts crammed into wet dresses has Lil' Anubis typing where Big Anubis should be. Skimming through the geezer's diary (emphasis on the "DIE"), we learn that the old man was a professor and had discovered a fortune of Uranium on the island. In the days before his death, Prof. Green (not to be confused with Prof. Plum) made note of a strange hissing sound he'd heard in the area, likely that coming from the hilarious, almost cute, mutant spider puppet that's chilling in the woods near the cabin. It could've also been the audience, booing and hissing their disdain for paying to see this poor excuse for entertainment. Guess it’s true what stand-up comedians say about Germans: all they do is shit into each others’ mouths and call it art.

Gary learns that being stranded on an island with a gaggle of hot chicks isn't the non-stop orgy that every man wants it to be, as he spends most of his time playing peacekeeper and telling his pussy posse to shut up and stop bickering like 12 year olds fighting over Justin Timberlake tickets. After 10 minutes of that crap I'd just throw them all in the basement and make 'em fight to the death. No lady hole is worth that much hassle! One thing the island isn't lacking is sleazy jazz music though, as the brass section blows on cue every time somebody takes off a piece of clothing, whether they're getting ready to shower (in their panties), trying to cool off, or just wiping the sweat from their big sweaty chest (and it's always sweaty...) as Gary likes to do with his incredibly white "now it's ripped, not it's not!" shirt. Yes, if you're a fan of trashy, smoky, speakeasy music, consider taking your vacation at Spider Island this year! All the boobies and music of Mardi Gras without the drunken frat boys and spicy food!

While out trying to walk off a boner, Gary's attacked by our crab-spider muppet looking monster thing when he leans up against the wrong hollow tree. It manages to lay some fang into his neck meat before he throws it to the ground and shoots it several times with a pistol recovered from Green's shack. Instead of dying from the spider's poison like Professor Green did, Gary immediately turns into a big mutant spider monster!... who looks less like Peter Parker and more like a half-assed Lon Chaney Jr. circa The Wolf Man... if Universal's budget could only afford to lupine up his face and hands and nothing else on his body... Without Gary to play alpha male and keep his stable in line, Georgia takes up the reins in an effort to keep everyone together long enough to go find out what happened to her man. The remaining 45 minutes is all about the gals wandering through the foliage shouting "GARY!", WEBster offing them one-by-one, and peppering it liberally with plenty more dirty jazz, cat fights, and a little skinny-dipping here and there... actually, that's not true, because two mooks the Professor had hired to bring him provisions return to the island to discover they've just fallen into a “Penthouse Forum” letter (or at the least a Russ Myer casting call) and the Horrors of Spider Island becomes the Awkward Drunken Makeout Party of Spider Island. Despite being on an island with a bunch of sex starved vixens though, neither guy can muster up anything past second base. They do have one helluva drunken limp-wristed pansy fight though! Saying these guys took five minutes of fight choreography would probably overestimating it by at least four minutes.

We eventually get back to the "Horror" parts of the Spider Island tourism board, but by the time we do it's all so pointless (one of the girls literally throws herself off a cliff, stealing any cred Spider-Gary would've earned from killing her) and so horribly done, as close ups of Gary show him in full makeup and standing directly in front of some trees, while long shots show him completely out of makeup and wielding a full beard (what the fuck?!) as he strolls around in a clearing! It's as if they could only afford the makeup effects guy for one day, so they shot a bunch of close-ups of D'Arcy's face in full spider monster mode, then just threw it together with “action” shots taken from his doughy back and sides days later! Did they TRY to make it this bad?! Somehow I don't think anyone was aware of how bad the genre was back then to be able to effectively and consciously make a parody along the lines of The Lost Skeleton of Cadavera, but I could be wrong, right? Right?! No, no, I'm not wrong. The movie really does suck like a crack whore on payday and that's that.

It's decided that Spider-Gary can only be killed with fire (because they've tried nothing else and are apparently all out of ideas...), so everybody grabs a road flare (?!) and they chase SG around the island like a tropical arachnid game of "Smear the Queer" until he's swallowed in a bog of not-so-quick-sand. And thus, after all that crap, we only get a handful of deaths, one brief long distance skinny-dipping scene, and a whole lot of cinemasochism. Holyyyyyyyyyyyyy Hell did we get a whole lot of cinemasochism... On the plus side though, this movie has inspired me! So much so, that I'm about to relieve three days worth of bowel obstruction without a single spoonful of Metamucil! Thanks Horrors of Spider Island, you just saved me $10! I just hope I've got enough TP for all this... oh wait, I forgot that we've "gone green" here in the Tomb. Good thing I've always got Wes Craven's tongue handy... Goodnight everybody!