I finally sat down to watch The Devil's Rejects last week. My tardiness of coming to the Firefly party wasn't a result of hesitation, just lazy-assness. It might also have been a result of my suspected psychological condition that prevents me from wanting to see movies that everybody else likes. Most would call me a snob, some would identify with me, and the rest couldn't give two turds shaped like Jay Leno what my excuse was. I don't think I'm better than anyone (except you... yeah, you know who I'm talking about), I just find myself drawn toward movies that get less attention. I can read a thousand different reviews for The Devil's Rejects, including Nix's review here on the site. But, how many reviews can you find for stuff like Golden Bat or Werewolf of Woodstock? Answer: not damn near enough! Anyway, point being, I finally saw The Devil's Rejects and it put me in a decidedly Rob Zombie sort of mood, which reminded me that I hadn't checked on the status of El Superbeasto in a re-animated racoon's age. Low and behold it turns out the people at Anchor Bay/Starz Media slapped it out to DVD shelves a month ago (ever since Circuit City and Hollywood Video died around here I don't keep up to date on new releases anymore)! And now, here we are. Happy Halloween kiddies. I'm not doing anything this year (except maybe dressing as fat Charlie Manson and chasing kids through the stairwell of the apartment building), so open your bag cuz I've got a review to put a smile on those lips!

Based on Zombie's own El Superbeasto comic book, our tale is a universe of the bizarre that revolves around its luchadore masked sun: the crime fighting super agent known only as Superbeasto. What kind of guy is Supes? Imagine Santo, only with the misogynistic swagger of Connery era James Bond, minus the charm and brains. Cinematic Lothario Beastie is shooting his latest "art film" (i.e. a porno called "Big Spicy Meatball Macho Man"), but things go from saucy (literally) to slasher as his menage-o-trois turns into a menage-o-monsters when his co-stars transform from the light of the full moon into bloodthirsty demonic beasts!... which he immediately dispatches with a little help from a ceiling fan and a silver vibrator... If this already sounds a little out of your tastes, you might wanna go read Roger Ebert kick Saw VI in the proverbial balls instead.

Superbeasto's not a lone battler of the forces of evil (and chastity... and sobriety...) though, as his eye patch sportin' "sister" (Beasto was adopted) Suzi X and her horny transformer Murray (whose look is based on Doc Zorka's iconic bot from The Phantom Creeps serial) do most of the heavy lifting black-ops Nazi killin' business end of the work themselves. Any hero worth his polyester leisure suit and souped up low-rider hot rod needs a nemesis though, so enter Dr. Satan. No longer just a legend bandied around by bloodthirsty hillbillies and serial killing clowns, Dr. S is brought to four color life as an insecure geek named Stanley turned insecure disher of doom and malice. His evil plot to rule the world (natch) involves finding an unholy bride whose butt bares the mark of the triple six, so he can bring her back to his place, ply her with panty peeler and the promise of riches, give her the most unsatisfying 17 seconds of her life, and imbue himself with all the fiery brimstony goodness of the powers of Hell. If he really wants the powers of Hell though, he could just eat one of everything off the Taco Bell menu. Between the E Coli and the colon rupturing indigestion, Mephistopheles himself couldn't brew a deadlier stew.

Damien's call sign winds up on the bountifully illustrated backside of Velvet Von Black, a stripper whose accompanying theme proclaims her ability to "suck the gay off a painting of a unicorn". With Rosario Dawson voicing her, that's a statement I wouldn't dispute... unless the unicorn painting in question was on my penis, in which case I would need proof... Naturally, Supes gets a hankering for some Velvet cake (or pie as the case may be), but no sooner does he try to woo the topless boner factory (whose personality isn't nearly as pleasing as her namesake would imply) does it put him in direct contention with Dr. Satan, whose intelligent ape minion (think an effeminate Gorilla Grodd with a giant screw through his scalp) has King Konged off with Miss Von Black. From here on you can pretty much guess where the rest of the movie's going. Good vs. Evil, the stemming of Armageddon, more cartoon tits than a Ralph Bakshi raunch-fest, and enough adult gross-out gags to make the 700 Club burst into flames... I've already sent them 100 copies of Superbeasto marked as "PROOF THAT GOD EXISTS AND WANTS YOU TO DOUBLE THE AMOUNT OF MONEY BILKED FROM YOUR VIEWERS!", so let's hope they take the bait.

If you've seen the trailers and you remember what 'Ren & Stimpy's Adult Party Cartoon' was like, you probably expected The Haunted World of El Superbeasto to turn out like a John Kricfalusi type of sideshow painted wall to wall with graphic violence and gross-out humor. And you would be right. It is very much a John K. inspired sideshow. Both in look and feel with the crisp and exaggerated animation style. Though not the laugh riot some people might be looking for (though I guarantee there are those who will shoot beer through their nose during at least a few high spots), some of the flick's funniest moments are due to the original songs created by comedy duo Hard 'n Phirm, including wacky themes for our hero and heroine, a School House Rock inspired "how to" guide to Dr. Satan's plot, a Scooby-Doo-like jingle about Nazi biker zombies, and the best (i.e. only) cat fight/patriotism theme I've ever heard. The voice crew is a who's who of Zombie movie familiar faces (wife Sherri Moon, Ken Foree, Danny Trejo, Brian Posehn, Dee Wallace, etc) and other notable names, including the aforementioned Rosario "Make me your fanboy love slave, please!" Dawson as the foul-mouthed Velvet, Oscar nominated Paul Giamatti as Dr. Satan, Cassandra "Elvira" Peterson, Clint Howard, and so on and so on. Bill Moseley and Sid Haig even bring back Otis and the Captain for one more go-round! Tuti-fucking-fruiti! As for El Superbeasto himself, he's voiced by comedian and co-writer of the movie Tom Papa, who gives our interdimensional masked man of mystery a voice that's about as Mexican as Pat Sajak. But, the game show host inflection works for Senor Beasto, given his goofy charm and self-imposed celebrity attitude, so I'm not complaining.

In true James Bond fashion, the end credits threaten to bring back Big El in a soon-to-be-release sequel entitled "The Man With the Golden Thunderballs", but even if that is a real thing, I'm not sure the lukewarm reception most people gave the movie will warrant a second helping. I liked it, but for those looking for Zombie's trademark grime and horror, you're better off shooting yourself in the foot and letting it get good an infected, cuz the animation here is crisp and very much cartoony... which kinda makes the sex and violence all the more offensive when you think about it...