I was originally planning on reviewing Eko Eko Azarak for this particular roundtable of academic joy and dedicating it to Anjel, one of our twisted readers who's into the “tentacle love” thing... like all of us secretly are though most of us are ashamed to admit it. Unfortunately, I'm a tad burnt out on Asian movies after the last couple weeks, and I'm not even positive there's any tentacle intrusion going on in Eko as it is, so I'd hate to go through all the trouble of reviewing it only to be shot down for the intention I watched it to begin with... Besides, I've had this Fraternity Demon DVD sitting under a pair of Lionman VHS tapes for the past year or more and what better excuse to dust it off, pop it into the ol' crap box, and relive the longed for golden days of “USA Up All Night”.

Not sure if I was introduced to this flick by Gilbert Gottfried or Rhonda Shear, but I do remember that it was sandwiched in between an episode of “Silk Stalkings” and an airing of The Outing. Now there's a movie I gotta revisit... Anyway, enough rehashing the days gone by. Those magical Friday nights are long gone and now is the time for a secondhand Linnea Quigley wanna-be to dress like a hair band groupie and smack us in the face with her fun bags.

You know you're in for, well, something when your movie's opening credits are obviously the work of skilled craftsmen. In this case, those skilled craftsmen seem to have been the virgins and Trekkies from my high school AV club... not that the two are mutually exclusive. Also, the movie's supposed to be taking place at a college, but from the looks of the campus I'd say it's more like a community college... or “High School 2: the Sequel” as we called it... and yes, I brought this point up solely so I could demean my fellow community college alumni by referring to said places of learning as glorified high schools. Sorry kids, sometimes my self-hatred carries over to others. Come to think of it, given the big yellow school buses passing by in the background of one scene, I'd hazard a guess that this “college” isn't even a community college, but an actual high school. Anyway, semantics aside, there's a banned manuscript held at the Vatican called the Necrophiliacon that's on a field trip to the office of one Professor Ericson (spelled with a 'k' in the end credits but w/o it on the door of his office...) who teaches at said mini-college and whom we first meet as he's trying to blackmail a sizably boobaged student in bicycle shorts to give him an “oral presentation” if she hopes to pass his class. As for the book, in case you weren't sure by its title the Necrophiliacon is an evil tome dedicated to unholy sexual arcane powers and the conjuration of perverse demonic forces. Not to be confused with the annual gathering of corpse fucking convention goers known as Necrophilia Con... which I believe is held in Topeka... Back to the book though, you can probably see where this is going as clear as the outcome of a steel cage deathmatch between Abdullah the Butcher and Minnie Pearl.

Speaking of which, you might wanna buy your copy now. These things are selling out faster than the limited edition Bea Arthur nude tote bags we had back in April!

The demon this book is bound to conjure is Isha (Trixxie Bowie); a blond bimbo succubus dressed in some kind of fishnet poncho-serape getup who you can tell is demonic because sleeps on an evil daybed, her room is draped with red curtains and lit entirely with red tinted lights, and she has the devil horns from one of those cheap slut costumes from the Ricky's Halloween racks. She's accompanied by her ugly stick victimized, lesser demon servant wench Grengol who's so obviously hot for her mistress. Greng's sad because I see so much of myself in her (and not the 6 inches that would usually go with that joke...) since she's one of those “stay by the side of the person you love at all times because maybe one day they'll fall so low emotionally that they'll finally be desperate/drunk enough to give you some play” characters like I used to be. Damn you television for making me believe that I'd one day “get the girl” by being pathetic and delusional!

One student not being sexually harassed by Ericson is our hero-to-be: David Kaufman. Neither be-titted nor female, Dave isn't a viable bed partner, but instead an easy mark for Ericson to sucker into doing all of his personal data collection and correlation work. Case in point: there's a big interfrat-sorority “get together” planned for tonight and El Davablo can't go because Easy E drops another project in the geek's pocket protected lap that needs to be done immediately... or D McBag will fail. Considering all of the students that E threatens with failure if they don't shine his crank or file his taxes (I think I'm gonna make that my new innuendo for sex...), you'd think there'd be enough harassment cases logged in with the main office by now to have him out on his master's degree long ago. Oh well, such is the job security of being an evil movie professor.

As for Dave's fraternity, Sigma Upsilon Xi (SUX... it's a joke... I didn't say it was funny), they're an odd mix of nerds, jocks, and new wave/hair metal types. Each serves their own purpose for the collective, but they don't get along socially, which confuses me as to how they're a fraternity to begin with. Maybe they're the reject frat, like Delta Tau Chi or Chugalug House? All I know is that your bra bomb better work Nerdlinger... As I was saying, the SUX are throwing a party, complete with the “gnarly” sounds of the (supposedly) popular band Shock-Ra, and their guests of honor: the airheads of the Alpha Sigma Sigma (ASS... again, it's a joke... and I still didn't say it was funny) sorority. While Dave's more interested in maintaining a 4.0 rather than maintaining an erection, there's a perfectly good slice of Alpha poon standing right in front of him in the form of his would-be girlfriend Kelly. Beneath her nerdy exterior beats the libido of a sexual juggernaut! That's not just a “nerds are great in bed” movie stereotype either. It turns out that smart chicks make the best bed buddies in real life too. I know: My Evil Dead Bride's got an IQ that would give Einstein what the big brains call “rigor mortis of the trouser serpent”.

Amidst the piles of data thrown at him by Ericson, Dave and Kelly discover a page of translations from the Necrophiliacon that basically tells them how to conjure Isha. Simulating “the voice of a thousand” thanks to his fancy '90s computer (I think it's an Apple), our heroes summon the demoness of destruction-through-lust (who looks like she fell out of a Mötley Crüe video) and she begins sexing up the SUXers, starting with their resident Hugh Hefner impersonator... in one of the blandest celluloid sex scenes I've ever seen. And trust me, I've seen LOTS of celluloid sex scenes. Ladies, that doesn't make me a pervert. It just means I've done a lot of studying for the “final exam”... which I pass with flying colors... or at least flying off-white colors...

Sorry ladles and Germans, frat movies often inspire my punny side to new lows. I'll try to tranq him until the review is over.

When Ericson learns that Dave done summoned him up his own galdurned demoness, the first thing that comes to mind is all the press that he is gonna get from it. But first, he needs to figure out a way of controlling the unholy Whitesnake groupie before he can parade her to the public... and whore her out to all the hypocritical Jimmy Swaggart type evangelists out there who are just aching to payout millions of dollars of their flock's donations for a night in a motel room with an actual Satan spawn! When the party finally starts, Dave's buddy Jeff gets cozy with the ASS of his dreams, Tina. But, Tina's third string quarterback ex Mark (who's also one of Jeff's fellow SUXers) isn't big on acknowledging their split, so he and his chromosomally deficient “wide receivers” crash the party and attempt to start up a fight. Trog/Mark tries to attack Jeff but gets his wig split by Shock-Ra lead singer chick Jade (twice) with a Fender in the frat house's big open party room (coming soon to new special edition “Fraternity Demon Clue”), while Isha takes down a pair of jocks with her wonky wang tingling magic. The competition for ass inspires the nerds and the “rockers” to finally push their cockblocking jock nemesi out of SUX for good before getting back to the “concert”... correct me if I'm wrong, but don't you need more audience members than the band has musicians and roadies to have a “concert”? I think this is more a “gig” than anything. And where's the wind machine blowing the band's hair around coming from?!

From here Shock-Ra kills a few minutes by performing a song (I'll forgive the phantom wind machine if it means watching Jade writhe like that), Ericson gets involved in a wacky mishap in the ladies' room, Isha bangs a nerd and shouts my next t-shirt motto: “In centuries I haven't seen such loin power!”, then she goes on stage to perform a song of her own. While rocking out, she uses her “evil” sex powers to crank up the pheromone thermostat (not to be confused with the “Pharaoh moans” you heard coming from the big man's chambers at night back in the glory days...) and turn everybody at the party (with the exception of the band) into rabbits on Viagra. Ericson interferes in the fuckstivities and attempts to control Isha with a magical Jesus spell. His words and wooden cross are no match however for Isha's... ATHEISM!... which makes no sense, because she works for SATAN and even comments that she'll be taking Ericson's SOUL back to HELL with her... despite being an Atheist... and not believing in stuff like God or Satan or souls or Hell to begin with... And so, with the dramatic pyrotechnics afforded by a pair of barely concealed road flares, Isha takes her leave back to the land of the red and the dead, SUX has been liberated of their Homo erectus faction (and their virgins), Dave and Kelly are the new hot nerd couple on campus, and Ericson will spend the rest of eternity getting he-raped by Isha's insatiable loin lustings. Before we can hit the credits though, it all has to be topped off with a montage of stuff we've just seen while Shock-Ra's “Red Racer” (which we've already heard in its entirety once already...) plays to fill in a few more minutes of runtime. Awww, it's over already?!

Fraternity Demon is a movie that you'll love or hate. I thought for sure my years of growing disdain for cinematic incompetence since last I'd seen it would bury the movie before it even had a chance to get started, but it turns out my shovel wasn't needed after all. Despite lacking in the excessive gore and gross-out splatstick humor, this flick has a very Troma-tic feel to it. It's full of cheaply decorated sets, bad acting, cornball comedy antics, random “what the fuck was that about?!” moments, cheesy not-so-special effects, the attempt to cover up its many flaws with goofy college movie sex, and the light-hearted “we know it's crap, but it's a party to put together!” tone that comes with it. It's the type of movie people make drinking games about. For instance, everybody could get wasted off of the “take a drink for every shot that includes Kelly's body double” game alone! Yep, when Dave and Kelly finally get it on during Isha's boner-palooza performance, she apparently steps out so the nerd of her dreams can get busy with HER BODY DOUBLE! The deception might have worked if the camera hadn't panned up past her chest and shown HER COMPLETELY DIFFERENT HAIR STYLE AND COLOR... then again, you could take one look at the double's boobs and know it wasn't Kelly... hmmm, not a very good body double if her body looks nothing like the actress she's doubling for is she? Another excellent category for consideration in the “Using Fraternity Demon To Make Our Alcoholism Fun” game? Take a shot every time a phantom cheerleader jumps across the screen! A number of scenes have cheerleaders shot in soft ghostly white light jumping across the screen to the sound of chimes being used as a transition mechanism. It's odd, but there are panties on display and it happens enough for everybody to get generously buzzed by the time Isha goes back to Hell thanks to her magical road flares.

By the way, for anyone who doubts my bizarre psychic powers when it comes to bad movies, here's another one for the “Holy shit! He knows what he's talking about!” column: earlier this week I reviewed the new Jeremy Kasten directed remake flick The Wizard of Gore. While watching the opening credits of Fraternity Demon, I saw a disturbingly familiar name pop up with an Editor credit: Jeremy Kasten... this was Kasten's first movie credit... and if you've got enough non-chemically altered short term memory left, you'll note in the beginning that I just randomly decided to change my roundtable review to THIS movie as opposed to my original choice... Yes children, I am indeed Christ resurrected and yes I do want you to go and get me a hoagie... and some chips... and a malt liquor. I'd tell you to “surprise me” as far as what kind of each item I want, but I'll know what you get me before you get back anyway, so what's the point? While you wrap your head around that, I'm gonna go see if my new powers will let me scan Sarah Palin...