You know how movie producers think that making flicks based on established TV properties is a guaranteed money maker, while we the viewers are (usually) smart enough to know that 9-times-out-of-10 the result is actually contrary to this belief? Yeah, we’ve seen it happen time and time again. You know what’s worse than this? No, it’s not the biographical Wild West comedy flick Vladamir Putin’s putting out called Rootin’ Tootin’ Putin. Give up? It’s worse when you take several episodes of a serial, lock them in a room whose walls are covered with monitors showing nothing but hardcore porn, and force them to mate in some abomination against nature just because you’re an executive and you do shit like this because you can, and that fact puts a grin on your face. The Evil Brain From Outer Space is the slimy, multi-eyeballed, albino flipper-baby of such an event.

Originally taken from a Japanese short subject film series called “Super Giant”, EBFOS is yet another American bad idea that collects scenes from the 7th, 8th, and 9th episodes of the serial, chops them up on a hibachi, runs them through a high power blender on “Puree”, then pours them into a mold shaped like a nigh-unwatchable 78 minutes about an overweight middle-aged guy in tights (complete with stuffed crotch!) trading atomic punches with rubber masked space vampires, sinister witches with botched facelifts, Arab (i.e. Japanese men in guyliner) Dick Tracy enthusiasts, a cadre of crooks who stole their uniforms from Adam West’s closet, and Colonel Sanders’s deformed cousin from the East who skipped the family fried chicken business and went straight into man-eating super germs. That has to be some kind of record for a run-on sentence…

Every wreck needs a beginning, and ours happens on the planet Zemar. Balazar was the galaxy’s most villainous genius (or genius villain?) until he was killed by a rogue robot... because random attacks by rogue robots is a common danger in the furthest reaches of space. While his body lay dying, his super evil genius brain flexed its super evil genius brain powers all on its own and created a stasis unit for itself… which happens to look exactly like a big metal briefcase. Using his seemingly limitless powers to influence a clandestine posse of alien infiltrators, Balazar and his minions slip in amidst humanity, targeting members of the global scientific community to bring under their power in the push for planet wide nuclear holocaust. Got that? No? Don’t worry, none of this is important.

Meanwhile, on “The Emerald Planet” (where they have a Hell of a view of Uranus *snicker*), a council of aliens, robots, and alien robots flail their arms around and do light aerobic exercises while deciding that a nuclear war on Earth the scale of what Ballzy’s got planned would release so much radiation that total galactic poisoning would occur and they too would one day succumb to the blight. Despite being complete idiots, in order to combat this “threat” the council creates their own superhuman man of steel (literally in this case): Starman! Forged of nigh-invulnerable galactic metal (into the appearance of a middle-aged Japanese guy in crotch hungry tights, complete with little armpit capes and head antennae), able to transform to and from the guise of a common businessman by simply bending over (no, seriously), and armed with the wrist mounted “Globe Meter” which gives him the abilities to fly through space, detect radiation, and speak any language, Starman heads to Earth to clean this evil brain shit up. Despite being able to “disguise” himself as a human though, our hero still refers to himself as Starman to everyone and doesn’t make any attempt at being covert, thus defeating the purpose of being able to disguise himself as an everyday Japanese businessman... but that’s the least of the problems we’re about to face in the trek ahead, so let’s not dwell. I’d rather not feel like somebody’s punching the back of my head with knuckle dusters any longer than I need to.

When Starry first hits Earth, he saves innocent young man Kuwata from a posse of Ballzy's evil henchmen. The goons were after Kuwy because his boss Dr. Kurakawa's mind has been overtaken by Ballzy for use in the whole global conquest thing and Kuwy was attempting to notify the fuzz of the sinister space brain's evil plot. Kuwy had also escaped with the suitcase holding the super evil genius brain (because, again, a suitcase was the best Ballzy's super evil genius brain could come up with as a method of transportation), but lost the case in a local river when the police originally captured Kuwy under the suspicion that he was responsible for a jewelry store robbery earlier in the night... So the brain is lost down the river, never to be recovered... or to be recovered, but with no mention of how or when... There's that painful thumping in the back of my skull again.

Kuwy is then tailed by the wheelchair bound Dr. Kurakawa's one-legged gimp hobo minion. He would've trained the dead bird that sits on his shoulder (Dr. K's some kind of paraplegic pirate scientist?!) to keep tabs on his former assistant, but he had an extra one-legged gimp hobo laying around so why not put him to work on reconnaissance, right? Though Dr. K later reveals himself to be not handicapped (just so lazy that he prefers to be wheeled around in his chair rather than walk), Hoppy the spy has no such luck, as his leg is actually missing. Meanwhile, Ballzy's mutant hordes are somehow causing stock footage of car wrecks and the destruction of model ships and trains for reasons unknown... Aside from Kuwy, Stars also introduces himself to several other positive human characters, including a good guy scientist, the police department, and a pair of Kenny siblings who later discover that a local hospital is really a front for Ballzy's subterranean army of Japanese black market Batman knock-offs... I told you that this “movie” would make less sense the longer it's allowed to go on! While Starry's good guy scientist attempts to develop a chemical that will destroy the apparently indestructible brain of Balazar, he's attacked by one of Ballzy's “cobalt nails” wielding, rubber, dime store, Metaluna refugee, bat mutants. The creature dances around and hops a lot, shredding some of the professor's curtains before Starman materializes from a window and duels the beast in a wacky, drawn out fight scene that spills into a nearby train yard. The cops show up and try to tear gas its ill-fitting rubber ass, but it just splits into two monsters... who then escape, doing some kinda of frantic dance through the sky that looks like two hyperactive kids off the short bus doing the Charleston at “Amuse the Old Folks Day” for the local retirement home... GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! Just click the rolling head at the bottom of the screen and see for yourself.

According to the narrator of our story, Ballzy's cadre of mutants (who have successfully slipped into society disguised as petty thieves who steal engagement rings to fund their operation) have come to a boiling point from which they are ready to unleash wholesale slaughter of the populace! Eagerly anticipating an army of those rubber bat mutants laying siege to the happy-go-lucky families perusing local amusement parks (Japan's just covered with the things!), I instead had the Almond Joy slapped right off my tongut. The amusement park footage ends abruptly when an evil Kabuki actor materializes and hypnotizes a woman... before we abruptly jump to a ballet studio... where the Kabuki witch hypnotizes someone else... before we abruptly jump to a scene that has nothing to do with the Kabuki witch. Instead, we meet the deformed clone of Colonel Sanders, who's invented a super germ that will gradually sweep over the Earth and wipe out mankind?! Oh, wait, the germ turns into the hypnotic Kabuki witch! Yeah, that explains a whole fucking lot of nothing. All this and a guy with a hook for a hand wielding a shotgun, and something about Starman disguised as an Arab diplomat can be yours, if the price is right! And if you guessed the price to be your sanity, you hit the bad movie nail right on it'd big flat head.

I never thought I'd say this, but Thomas Tang could've done a better job of turning three short films into one feature than what's on display here. At one point the “movie” just degenerates into a series of several different plot lines, all involving different people and all competing for screen time. I haven't seen so many people standing around and accomplishing nothing since the US government. Amidst 300 different characters with their own agendas and stories, even the action scenes get lazy on Archie Bunker levels. Best example? Starry has little problem defeating an entire squad of Ballzy's Batman flunkies the first time because they've yet to master the “everybody attack the guy at once!” strategery that being a gang of goons is all about. The second time he does it just as easily because, well, it's literally the first fight scene SHOWN A SECOND TIME! This second time the producers include the wrap-up to the fight that was cut from the earlier showing, as Starry takes on the evil rubber bat mutants from Metaluna again. The solution to their sinister ability to split off into dopplegangers? Punch them so hard that they deflate... Why even bother introducing something into the story about a “mysterious mutant splitting ability” if the only answer later on is going to be “punch them really really hard”?! Why couldn't you just say that it was a side effect of the tear gas on their alien physiology, or that it was an illusion created by the mutant as some kind of defense mechanism to scare off attackers? Why the fuck am I not making money off of re-dubbing bullshit stories into something that makes more sense?!

In the end, EBFOS is a Japanese incarnation of Star Odyssey: there are a thousand pieces to this puzzle that would be awesome if someone could figure out how to put the damn thing together correctly rather than just emptying everything out onto the floor and leaving it for somebody else to pick up later. It's the celluloid equivalent of what would happen if you gave a tube of rubber cement and a '68 Chevy Impala model kit to a two year old: a final product that looks nothing like the picture on the box, and a really embarrassing trip to the poison control center afterwards. If you put 100 blind men, women and shaved chimpanzees into a pit, handcuffed their hands behind their backs, covered them in baby oil, and told them to have an orgy, you still wouldn’t have a clusterfuck the size of Evil Brain From Outer Space. Granted, you'd be a very twisted person who spends way too many resources on bringing your psychotic perversions to life, but at least you wouldn't have any husky Japanese guys in goofy tights doing interpretative dances with rubber faced ghouls wearing giant eyeball belt buckles.