First things first, I’d like any film historian types out there to clarify something for me: is this, or is this NOT FFC’s directorial debut? According to AMC (who released the DVD version I’m reviewing), it is. Then again, ever since AMC’s programming switched over to 90% crap from the cinematic sluice pipe, thus changing the call letters from “American Movie Classics” to “Another Major Craptastrophe”, I don't know how much I trust them. According to the Internet Movie Database (another institution whose legitimacy is often called into question), FFC’s credited with doing THREE other movies before D13! So, again, if anybody out there with some manner of degree in film history (or whatever its scientific name is) who knows these things could drop me a line, I’d appreciate it. Not financially mind you, but maybe I can dig up an old VHS copy of Baby Geniuses as a reward… or not.

In an effort to try and make this otherwise bland-to-be review semi-interesting for everybody, you can impress your friends by whipping out this little trivia tidbit and slapping them across the face with it the next time someone brings up F-Squared in conversation. The original title of the flick was simply “Dementia”. When it turned out somebody else had already put out a movie by that name a little less than a decade prior, one of producer Roger Corman’s people suggested slapping the “13” on the end as a cheap marketing ploy in the hopes that it would inspire people to break the flick out and give it a view on the 13th of every month… not on Friday the 13th like the exploits of J-Dogg Voorhees inspire, just the 13th day of any month… even Smarch… and the lousy weather it's known for… provided you're adept at quotes from “The Simpsons”...

John and Louise Haloran aren’t a happy couple. John’s an old, bald, overweight gentleman with a bad ticker who doesn’t want to take advantage of his mother’s deteriorating mental state in an effort to get her to change her will so he and Louise can cash in a dead relative payday rather than letting Ma give it all away to charity as planned. It’s the last of those personality quirks that wears the thinnest on Louise’s tolerance for her chubby hubby, and the topic of their opening scene conversation… which they have in a rowboat in the middle of the Haloran family pond behind the family’s castle estate in Ireland. As their heated argument comes to a boil, John’s heart condition kicks in and he pretty much shuffles off his mortal coil with a metaphorical middle finger to his gold digging wife,using his last gasps to wheeze out some “salt in the wound” laughter in the soon-to-be-widow's face. You know John, two words could’ve helped you gain the satisfaction of telling off the bride of Frankenstein without suffering a fatal heart attack for the effort: divorce court... or, if you're of the unemployed or welfared variety, Divorce Court. Oh Judge Lynn Toler, if only your fine hot chocolate self had been there to save one more fat slob from the maw of Micky Dolenz's Davy Jones's safety deposit box!

Panicked not-so-much over the death of her dearly beloved but by the fact that she no longer has a stake in the Haloran estate with John corpsed up, Lou ties John’s already bloated body to the boat anchor and sends him into the briny deep. She slips back into the house, types up a letter from John to his mother declaring he had to return to the States on important business, and passes it under the old lady’s bedroom door before anybody wakes up. Pretty sneaky, Sis. Adding to the cast the following morning, John’s youngest brother Billy picks up Kane from the airport. Not to be confused with the professional wrestler-slash-“actor” of the same name, Kane is the fiancé of Billy’s older bro Richard… that’s right, a woman named “Kane”… what in the name of Leroy Jenkins’s joystick is up with that?! Blargh.

Kane’s name isn’t her only problem though, cuz it turns out that Old Lady Haloran is against the idea of her and Dick doing the nuptials thing. Why? I dunno, she’s an old bitch that hates younger women because she’s jealous that they can still enjoy things like looking good, getting laid, and being able to leave the house without a fresh pair of Depends™? The important thing is that this dislike for Kane causes conflict between not only the old lady and herself, but between herself and Dick, and between Dick and the old lady. Conflict will be important when people start dying later on. It won't make the movie any more interesting or any less predictable, but trust me, it'll be important.

Kane and Louise just happen to be visiting Hal' House during the annual memorial service for the family's dead daughter Kathleen. The sole Haloran child who would never have to fear Prostate Cancer drown in the pond behind the house some 7 years prior and every year since the family has held the same ceremony at her grave site in the family garden. Thinking she can use Momma Haloran's love for the demised daughter to her advantage, Lou makes up stories about hearing a young girl's ghostly voice at night talking about wanting mother to be happy, throwing in some crap about “leaving signs” to Ma so she'd know what to do... what to do about what isn't exactly covered, but given enough time and scheming, Louise could probably figure something out... if she weren't butchered with an axe while planting some of Kathy's old dolls in the pond in the middle of the night in her underwear. Well, so much for that storyline.

The following morning we're introduced to the movie's best character by far, when the family physician Dr. Caleb stops by to check on Ma. The guy's a total dick, strutting around the castle, taking pot shots at the family members and grilling them for answers while simultaneously bossing around the servants like it's his name on the mailbox! Somebody needs to put stupid rich assholes in their place, and Dr. Caleb could carry his own TV show on the subject! It'd be like “Nanny 911”, only entertaining! Later that night, the Halorans' neighbor/local poacher Simon also falls victim to the murderer's blood hungry axe the following night, as he's decapitated and his body is also dumped into the pond. Given that Billy had a rather heated altercation with the simple-in-the-head hunter earlier in the movie, that could be a huge giveaway as to the identity of the killer... well, that and the fact that by the outline of the guy we're shown as he's slaughtering his victims he's got the exact same hairdo as young William, kinda clinches the kid's guilt in none-too-subtle terms. Honestly kids, Simon only appears twice in the whole movie: the scene where Billy catches him poaching and threatens to kick his ass, and the painfully drawn out scene where he wanders around in underbrush for five minutes before the “mysterious” slasher trims a good 8lbs off of his shoulders. That's right folks, lose 8lbs off your body weight now! Ask me (and my rusty chainsaw) how!

Come sunrise, Caleb orders the grounds keeper to drain the pond for no good reason and he finds... no bodies. They do discover an amateur tombstone made by someone for Kathy, which has apparently been there for several years. Dr. C tries to slip some red herrings into our pockets, bringing up things like Dick's history of bad headaches, his love of metal working and stone carving (trying to blame him for the makeshift tombstone found in the pond), and his anger at Ma for forbidding his marriage to Kane, all the while attempting to put the sympathy spotlight on frail little Billy, his long standing nightmares about being thrown into the pond himself by Dick, and the odd evidence that the kid's being suffering from some kind of arrested development since childhood. Sorry Dr. C, but my jackal snout can sniff out fish a mile away, so you're better off frying up those herrings for lunch. That and, like I said before, IT'S SO OBVIOUS THAT BILLY IS THE KILLER! WE CAN PRACTICALLY SEE HIS FACE IN THE SHOTS WHERE HE'S KILLING PEOPLE!

The charade continues on, with mother returning to Kathy's old playhouse to leave one of the corpse kid's old tiaras there for her spirit to “recover”. With Lou no longer around to direct the deceit she planted before her disappearance, Ma just starts making shit up for herself as she goes along. In the playhouse she finds what she thinks is Kathy's corpse (looking nice and un-decomposed for being dead 7 years), but instead finds to be a life-sized wax doll. Suddenly the murderer *cough*BILLY*cough* appears and smashes the playhouse to pieces while Mom runs screaming to the front yard and passes out before being taken inside by the butler and Dr. Caleb, never to be seen from again for the rest of the movie. Dick and Kane take this opportunity to immediately have an impromptu wedding ceremony and resulting reception while Mother Haloran's infirmed and unable to argue about it. No wonder Mom's not leaving any of her money to her sons; they're all either assholes or axe murderers! Anyway, while the the newlyweds take a literal roll in the hay to celebrate the deaths of their mutual singles lives, Dr. Caleb Sherlocks himself up Faux Kathy thanks to a child's song psycho Billy was mumbling while drunk. Billy's there to attack Dr. C, but fortunately it seems that psychiatrists are licensed to carry guns in Ireland and he guns the loony down in hot lead and cold blood. Why? Kathy's drowning was a result of she and Billy horsing around and he never told anyone. As such, his guilt was great and the only therapy that helped him deal was murdering the people that bothered him with an axe. Taste my excitement.

Points of contention for Dementia 13? (1) While swimming around in the pond in the middle of the night, Louise sees Kathy's homemade headstone. Not a bad feat considering it's pitch black AND SHE'S UNDERWATER. (2) When Louise is getting hacked up, everything happens not 100 yards from the castle, yet nobody hears the manic splashing and screaming coming from the backyard while it's happening. Heavy sleeper or not, you'd think that at least one of the people in the castle would've heard something like that. (4) Despite taking place in Ireland, Simon the poacher is the only person in the movie with an Irish accent. Poorly put on as it is, you'd still think that SOMEBODY could've at least tried to put up the illusion that the characters were Irish. (5) If you can't afford a decent budget or some decent writers, couldn't FF Cop-a-feel-a put in a little effort and tried to make the killer's identity a mystery, rather than showing us a clearly defined outline of the madman and his character specific hairstyle?!

On the plus side, I can appreciate Louise's brief wet underwear scene, and I want Dr. Caleb to be my new primary care physician! For the curious, you might recognize Patrick McGee, who played the good doc, as Mr. Alexander: the old artsy guy whose home (and wife) was invaded by Alex and his droogies in Stanley Kubrick's infamous A Clockwork Orange! He's done a number of other bad horror movies though, and if any of his other characters are half as fun to watch as his turn pushing around shitheads in Dementia 13, I might just have to see which ones I can find!

The final verdict of course is whether or not I'll be breaking out my copy of Dementia 13 on April 13th. Not too bloody likely. May 13th? Not if I can help it. June 13th and every 13th after? I can’t guarantee I won’t, but let’s just say that I guarantee I won’t. Aside from McGee's performance and the obvious name-dropping that comes with an old Coppola flick, there's not much to see here. I know it was you Franky Ford. You broke my heart.

On a closing note, look for Tomb of Anubis Films to release our first original productions shortly: Lunatic 12, Mental Instability 6, and Bat Shit Crazy 27. Good night, and may your fetishes always be legal in the state you live in.