“Hitler was a Jew!”
Pamela Paige is a geekgasm given flesh. She’s an incredibly hot woman who not only enjoys comic books, fantasy, and Super Troopers, but is also the creative deviant behind her own twisted comic creation; “Cracked Out Super Heroes”! Ooooooooh yeeeeeaaaaaaaaah!... Uhm, excuse me while I change my pants… this is going to be a very messy, protein stained review.
While on a MySpace rampage attempting to drum up some new readers (hopefully it actually worked and some of you are reading this right now…), I came across Miss Paige’s space while sniping people from Lloyd Kaufman’s page. The lovely lady not only accepted my request but sent me a message telling me that I was sick and that she loved it. I would’ve taken it as a compliment even if she didn’t tack on that “I love it” part, but the point is I checked out her page and, after inserting her into every sexual fantasy I’ve ever had, I looked into her 10 minute short film based on COSH. Good news: I don’t have to pretend I like it just to appease a hot chick!
According to the intro, C.O.S.H. “has been created as an artistic modern attempt to reason with the concerns of man kind and our diminishing environmental resources”. Having not read the comic and relying entirely on the short, I’m not exactly sure what, if anything, this has to do with environmental concerns. Then again, it could just be a joke… or an excuse to get Lloyd Kaufman to come in for a cameo. I don’t know. You’ll understand my confusion as we go along. The titular (emphasis on the “tit”) cracked out protagonists in question are: Lactate Girl (who saturates the sinister with her gushing jugs of 2% justice), Roller Girl (Lactate’s coked out girlfriend who has skates strapped to her feet and a mattress strapped to her back…), and Guy (flaming gay stereotype cousin to LG) with his sidekick Chihuahua Q-Tip. What type of crime does this trio fight? I dunno, sobriety? I mean, when we first meet them they’re just kinda hanging around midtown Manhattan with nothing to do while Lactate bemoans how “things aren’t like they used to be” until they decide to go to a nightclub and get shit faced. Superheroes have always embodied the noblest virtues and goals of the society they represent, so I guess this is a statement that today’s society only cares about indulging in hedonist tendencies like sexual deviancy and paying way too much for booze? Then again, I’m probably over-thinking it and twenty-something superheroes are just as one-dimensional as 98% of the non-superhero twenty-somethings who spend all their free time getting blitzed and nursing their hangovers. In the timeless words of Cake, “Excess ain’t rebellion. You’re drinkin’ what they’re sellin’.”… unless a skank spraying barf from her nose onto your upholstery while she’s slobbin’ the knob is your idea of a good time, in which case I can only hope you die in a fiery ball of twisted metal.
Elsewhere, Lactate’s evil twin Terry (who’s probably just pissed that she didn’t get a cool super human name like everybody else did… and because she has strands of silly putty glued over her mouth…) and her henchmen people Him/Her and the French Tickler hijack the Science Barge… What the fuck is a Science Barge, you ask? Damned if I know. It might be the COSH headquarters, or it could just be one of those “new scientific super labs where the world’s greatest minds gather to solve the planet’s problems” installations that they always have in comic books that allow the super villains easy access to the biggest brains on Earth to use in a ransom plot. Beyond the mention of Barge, the terrorists’ control of it, and the need for the COSH to wrestle control of it from their antagonists, well, there’s nothing but random still shots of blue prints, solar panels, someone’s lawn, and wind mills. Whatever the case, the short ends teasing us with the idea of a final battle between good and bad as Terry’s crew slaughters extras in Times Square and Lactate’s camp… just kinda stands around posing and squirting more baby spew from our heroine’s love jugs. Sadly, a story without a climax is like a hand job where your giver just stops when you start breathing heavy. As a marketing tool though, it does make you want more…
I really dig what Paige and pals are putting together here, but there’s one big problem with the short that needs to be addressed: ten minutes is just not enough for a project like this. I haven’t had the chance to get a hold of the original graphic novel yet (you can find out a lot of background info at the COSH website), but I imagine that the eco-heroes and their deviant nemesi are fleshed out better in those 100 pages than they are here… which is not at all. By the end of the short all I knew was that the heroes spend way too much time pretending to dance at nightclubs, Lactate Girl shoots milk from her mammoth mammaries and not having trees to suck sap from is somehow affecting her waning tit sauce attributes, her sister Terry has swords for elbows and leads a terrorist group that includes one of those “half man, half woman” sideshow hermaphrodites and a green dude with a ten foot cock that he just kinda carries around with him, there’s a meth dealer informant who works both sides (and gets the best lines) but might be in love with Lactate, and Lloyd Kaufman is the “sensitive cop” who likes to go all “Giuliani Time” on people and prefers the company of men to booby squeezin’s. Granted, it’s a decent foundation to build on, but if you’re only going to get ten minutes to showcase your cast, an origin story might be a better use of the time instead of just expecting everyone to have read the comic first.
In the end, Miss Paige has gotta be one of the most ambitious people in the entire friggin’ world. With this short alone she co-directed it, wrote it, starred in it, and even wrote and sang the theme music (which digs its way into your brain and lays eggs if you’re not careful)! I wish I had half the ambition that this woman does, maybe I’d actually finish half the projects I start and start making money of this damn website! As such, to you Pamela Paige I salute, with both thumbs and Lil’ Anubis. We look forward to your future creations and wishing you luck on the continued expansion of Cracked Out Super Heroes!... and maybe a customized nekkid picture of yourself with “tombofanubis.com makes me saturate” written on your stomach? No? Well, it was worth a try, heh heh.
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